Researchers Raise Alarm Over Homeopathy-Resistant Bacteria

Kenmore, WA - Researchers near prestigious Bastyr University held an emergency press conference this week to discuss the recent findings of a blue-ribbon panel of experts in the field of homeopathy, findings that have set off shockwaves in the integrative medicine community.

A science man, let's just call him Steve, shown here doing advanced homeopathy research using science and a really cool microscope

One of the most worrisome health trends in recent years has been the emergence of bacteria with increasing resistance to conventional antibiotic regimens. Panel participant Carl Barkhammer, a research homeopath who has spent decades studying the curative powers of homeopathic remedies, recently changed the focus of his efforts from clinical research to the laboratory in order to prove the benefit of these treatments in patients infected with methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA).

"It's amazing how fast these bugs have become resistant to antibiotics," Barkhammer explained. "I've been researching homeopathy for a long time and I had never even heard of staph aureus, let alone MRSA. To think that a brand new infectious microbe, and one that is apparently very deadly according to ChatGPT, is already nearly untreatable with antibiotics. That is some scary stuff!"

Homeopathy, a healing practice discovered in 1796 by German physician Hans Diefenderfer, uses natural remedies that stimulate the innate healing powers of the human body. Proponents, like Barkhammer, believe that this vital energy is a powerful force for healing mankind's ills and has absolutely no risk. When not designing research protocols, he enjoys travelling the world to explain the merits and mechanisms of homeopathy:

Homeopathy is a lot like taking an herbal remedy, only instead of using measurable quantities of a plant or other ingredient, a bottle of water or ethanol is briskly walked near one and then given a stern look. The only real risk is if lifesaving homeopathic consultation is deferred while a patient wastes time seeking care from an allopathic doctor.

Barkhammer, who enjoys writing poetry and spends his summers making extra money cleaning gutters, set out to test a variety of homeopathic preparations on live cultures of MRSA. "I figured that if I was going to convince the skeptics, I had to take the human element out of the equation. Clinical studies can be wrought with confounding variables. If one of my treatments were to appear to work on an infected person, I would have to rule out anything else that may have played a role in their recovery, like acupuncture, prayer, or a bottle of skink oil. I needed to focus on just one intervention, the homeopathy. This was cutting edge science."

When Barkhammer's initial attempts to kill the antibiotic resistant bacteria with homeopathic remedies failed, he was forced to dig deeper and deeper into his armamentarium. But nothing seemed to work:

I tried everything I could think of, and then I tried everything I could find cited in the homeopathic literature. Nothing worked and I began to grow very concerned. I wondered if the bacteria was already developing extreme resistance to homeopathic remedies, or worse. Yeah, I haven't slept well since."

Barkhammer, who coaches his son's little league team and dreams of one day owning his own car, wondered if bacteria other than homeopathic-resistant Staph aureus, or HRSA (pronounced "hersa"), had also begun to develop resistance. "I began to test every bacterial species that I could get my hands on and the results were the same every time, leaving me no choice but to conclude that it is possible that all known bacterial pathogens are now resistant to homeopathy. Let that sink in."

Still, Barkhammer believes that there is hope for the future. He hasn't given up on homeopathy as a legitimate alternative to antibiotics for the treatment of bacterial infections yet. "There is an infinite number of potential remedies out there. I haven't tried everything. Maybe hyper-diluted blue whale bile or the tears of a virgin exposed to the light of a full moon might work. But the most likely problem is that I failed to acknowledge how a laboratory setting might interfere with the complex quantum vibrations that take place when a homeopathic remedy is perfectly matched to an individual patient's symptoms. There is still work to be done figuring out new and better ways to study homeopathy until its healing power is proven beyond doubt. That's just how science works."