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Battle Creek, MI - The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today, revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge. A fudge distribution line in Swaziland "The conclusions from this study are are pretty compelling," spokesperson Ernie Keebler explained from the KRISP research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this now, the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, and wholesome goodness of high quality fudge." Based on the KRISP study findings, Congress is now considering new laws aimed at combating this growing threat. According to Alabama's junior senator Katie Britt, researchers have found fudge levels in some regions of the United States that are typically only seen in third world countries. "There are a lot of good ideas on the table, but the two front runners are fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation." Water fudgidation is the process of adding fudge to the water supply in order to bring joy and a feeling of decadence, or in some cases nostalgia, to people living in a community. Keebler believes that an optimal level of fudge in drinking water is around 3 to 7 ounces per liter. "We are still working on how to achieve that level without compromising flow rates through existing water and sewage infrastructures. This is a science still in its infancy." Some critics are speaking out, however, citing the potential for unforeseen health hazards. Hakan Zor, Chief Operations officer at HARIBO of America, worries that excessive focus on fudge levels in the blood will distract from other health parameters that are just as important. "I just don't believe the data because fudge is everywhere. But there is no gummy in groundwater. There is no gummy in the ocean. And growing kids need gummy!"

Philadelphia, PA - From the very beginning of the first debate between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Kamala Harris, it was obvious that something historic was happening. President Trump, shown here towering over the diminutive Harris as he establishes dominance prior to the debate, and giving her one final chance to avoid embarrassment by conceding defeat "It was an impressive performance from the former president," Republican strategist Mark Grogan explained. "He landed the first hard blow when he expressed concern for our nation's pets. People love their dogs and cats like family and this is a man who understands the meaning of both those words. Love AND family. Harris never recovered after that." Even some of Trump's most vocal opponents, who I assume are real people and not just Trump using a fake accent over the phone, are admitting how masterful his debate performance was. Self-proclaimed chronic Trump derangement syndrome sufferer, and wealthy elite transgender dog groomer, Vanderbilt Carmichael III, realizes how Harris fell right into Trump's trap. "He was definitely playing 5D Chutes and Ladders, and Kamala is right at the top of that really long chute where she is going to fall down perhaps 50 or maybe even 60 of those squares, which is, by the way, what all the polls are saying I, I mean he, won the debate by."

Skillman, NJ - American consumer health company Kenvue Inc., maker of the popular Band-Aid line of adhesive bandages, has announced that a new version incorporating the healing benefits of kinesiology tape will soon hit store shelves. Test subject #172, "Becky", shown here being euthanized after an early prototype of the Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ caused minor chafing to skin surrounding a cut "The hardest part was figuring out how to combine the technologies safely," Kenvue CEO Thibaut Mongon explained. "You might think that adhesive bandages and adhesive tape are pretty much the same thing, but they really aren't. And I can show you the piles of dead test monkeys that prove it! Seriously, do you want to see them? Okay, okay, usually you people want to see the dead monkeys." Kenvue is claiming that the new Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ adhesive bandages represent the future of the wound care industry. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, the Director of Research and Clinical Applications at Kenvue, these sterile and 100% waterproof bandages were rigorously tested and demonstrated a significant improvement in healing time compared to several other products. "We beat Scotch and Duck tape by literal days. The secret is the adhesoelastic properties that work so well for kinesiology tape in the management of musculoskeletal injuries, erectile dysfunction, and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy." By gently, yet powerfully, lifting the skin and subcutaneous tissue surrounding a minor wound, cut, or scrape, Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ bandages improve blood flow to, and lymphatic drainage from, the injury while also absorbing drainage and blocking germs. Fishman, who is currently using one of the bandages he helped to develop on a deep fingernail wound to his right forearm, says that the product unlocks the body's natural healing power. "Oh, this? Monkey got me. He's at the top of the pile if you want to see it. No? Your loss."

Belvidere, NE - When Belvidere taxidermist, and Diet Dr. Pepper enthusiast, Duane Frierson took part in a blinded taste test comparing his favorite brand and Diet Dr. Shasta today, the last thing he expected was for his life to be irrevocably changed. Wine lover Hanz Jacobson, shown here participating in a blinded tasting with friends and mere seconds before the tragic murder-suicide that would tear this quiet neighborhood apart at the seams "I didn't wake up thinking that I was going to realize I've been living a lie all these years," Frierson explained. "But if I don't know something as important as which cola beverage I prefer, then how do I truly know anything at all about myself? Do I even like being a taxidermist? Do I really love my family? Has my entire life been a charade?" This isn't the first time that consumer marketing research has resulted in unforeseen outcomes for participants. According to National Beverage Corp. CEO Nick Caporella, forcing people to evaluate themselves without interference from all of the hangups and bias built up over a lifetime can reveal some pretty hard truths. "It may just look like they are deciding between a name brand product and a cheaper alternative, but on the inside, in the deepest reaches of the consumer's psyche, it can be a struggle to determine who they are as a person and how they fit into their community, or even humanity as a whole." Shaken by the experience of questioning fundamental aspects of his existence as a unique consciousness within the cosmos, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Frierson has left his wife and three children and plans to relocate to Omaha. "This wasn't an easy decision. I just want to say, to Sharon, if she's reading this, that I hope you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."

Austin, TX - Elon Musk, the billionaire buyer behind the purchase of a number of high profile companies and ideas, is saying that the Tesla Cybertruck was a joke. Musk, shown here laughing as he talks about the hilariously dangerous self-driving mode included in the latest Cybertruck update "Well, one lesson I've learned is that just because I present something to a group of engineers and they laugh doesn't mean it's going to be all that hilarious as a fully realized product released to the public for sale after an extensive promotional campaign and several price increases," Musk explained. "Turns out that jokes are WAY less funny if people don't know the context, which is that this is a terrible product and they gave me money for it." Not everyone who has purchased a Cybertruck sees the humor in Musk's $80,000 prank. Some, like Tampa CryptoSpa owner Rex Chadington, believes that his life was changed for the better by purchasing a Cybertruck. "Elon is a genius and deserves every penny he gets for disrupting the truck market AND conventional comedy by selling these things. I feel closer to him driving my Cybertruck, like we are friends. Maybe even best friends?"

Nashville, TN - Having developed a taste for power after an extremely positive response to her endorsement of Vice-President Kamala Harris and Governor Tim Walz in the looming presidential election, music icon Taylor Swift has continued to weigh in on a number of races across the country. Swift, shown here at a rally for the Democratic candidate for Sanitation Commissioner in Macon, GA forcibly reminding the crowd that she is the kingmaker and that her political power is infinite "We were very appreciative when Ms. Swift announced her support of the Harris-Walz campaign," campaign national co-chair Mitch Landrieu explained. "But given the increasing number of candidates she has gone on to endorse, some of which just don't make any damn sense, let's just say that the Vice-President no longer feels very special." With her recent endorsement of Des Moines 8th grader Lennox Smith for Hoyt Middle School student council president, Swift has now weighed in on more than a hundred political races. According to the pop diva during a recent interview on Face the Nation , each and every candidate she endorses has been thoroughly vetted. "Whether it's the race for New York State Comptroller or a Condominium Association Board of Directors position in Boca Raton, I do my research on the issues at hand and the stances these candidates take on the topics that matter most to me."

Washington, D.C. - Relations between the United States and Canada remain at an all-time low as the Biden administration continues to balk at loaning our "neighbor to the north" our good giant wrench. Prime Minister Trudeau, shown here at a press conference explaining that they already sent back the gigantic hedge clippers and that the United States must have let Mexico borrow them "Frankly I did not expect such stubbornness from the White House," Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained. "For every day that our massive faucet remains stuck, there are millions of gallons of water going straight into the Pacific Ocean instead of potentially being made available for California's cities and farms as part of a meaningful renegotiation the Boundary Waters Treaty." Despite such optimistic language from Trudeau, experts with the State Department are questioning both Canada's intentions and their past record on returning borrowed stuff. According to Secretary of State Antony Blinken, Canada would need to make a substantial gesture of good faith before the United States would consider the loaning of our very large wrench. "This is a non-starter unless we get back both our enormous hedge clippers and the First Lady's huge casserole dish."

Phoenix, AZ - Cosmeceutical researchers at the prestigious University of Phoenix have announced that if current trends of worsening global climate change continue, the world may soon be depleted of novel ingredients for use in anti-aging creams, facial moisturizers, hair conditioners, nail rejuvenators, holistic bio-protectors, and topically applied body detoxifiers by the year 2030. A 97-year-old woman, shown here during her daily application of a topical anti-aging cream made from bioresonant quantum nanoparticles of raw skink oil "This is something that all of us working in the field today need to be very concerned about," lead researcher Dr. Robert Bibble, MD, ND, DAOM, RD, who is both a certified herbal psychologist and a Level 3 naturopathic midwife, explained. "As it currently stands, we are pretty much down to yak urine and pigeon chyme. We are cresting the ridge of peak ingredient and will soon begin a steep and catastrophic plummet. Oh, that's good. You've got to use that." Even as Dr. Bibble is calling for aggressive measures to combat climate change and industry-wide regulations on the number of new ingredients allowed per product, some experts aren't buying into his doomsday scenario of a world with seafront property in Michigan and cosmeceutical products containing only active ingredients with legitimate evidence for their safety and efficacy. Azriel Gunderson, a clinical cosmetician and director of Body Essentials Day Spa in Sedona, isn't worried. "We are pioneering the field of nanocosmeceuticals, which are formulated with proprietary, state-of-the-art nanotechnologies such as dynamic intradermal organic nanovehicles. Our nanocosmeceuticals will implement innovation in a nanoformulation of previously exploited botanicals and other natural ingredients so that we will be able to milk this stuff for decades."

Palm Beach, FL - During a recent press conference held on the grounds of the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, club employee and United States presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he will begin selling non-fungible tokens (NFT) of all his previous and upcoming rallies. An NFT of the January 6th, 2021 tour of the U.S. Capitol building by Trump supporters recently sold to an Elon M. for $50 million. No, that's too obvious. Let's call him E. Musk. "President Trump will retain all intellectual property rights related to each event and any unique aspect such as the event's concepts, themes, designs, decorations, artworks, animations, branding, or products," Trump's legal spokesperson Alina Habba explained. "But each NFT will prove ownership of the fact that the rally happened, which is a priceless opportunity to be a part of this history-making campaign." An NFT is a unique digital identifier recorded on a blockchain and used to certify ownership and authenticity. According to the former president during the press conference, these rally NFTs will be a one-of-a-kind verifiable digital asset that will continue to increase in value for the foreseeable future. "Because Marxist socialist Comrade Kamala is ruining this country. It's a terrible thing. Like nothing anyone has ever seen. And it wouldn't have happened. One phone call. I make one phone call and on day one. I say I'm going to be a dictator for just one day. And the wall. And what about those pets that the migrants are eating. The cats and the dogs. But really this is about tariffs. They are a beautiful thing. I love that word. Tariffs."

Near Oxford - An elite team of some of the smartest professors in England working day and night for the past several months has finally solved one of the most challenging puzzles of the modern political era: former president Donald Trump's decades-long oratorical weaving together of thousands of seemingly disparate topics into a complete and fully cohesive narrative. Donald Trump, shown here in 2024 brilliantly coming back around to a thing he once said about those people with falafel carts in Manhattan in 1979 "To some people it sounds more and more like gibberish every day," Barnaby O'Toole, the third ranked professor in England, who is also an English professor, explained. "Some have even mistakenly called his speeches the rambling spoken narrative of a malignant narcissist with worsening dementia, but he is just referencing things they don't remember or fully understand. Frankly it is like an ant trying to understand quantum physics." During a recent political rally, Trump precisely detailed his preternatural ability to piece together a variety of topics that appear unrelated to listeners with lesser intellects: You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I'll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together, and it's like, friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, 'It's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.' As is often the case when facing a highly complex problem containing a near infinite number of variables, dedicated scholarly liberal arts research has now uncovered the absolute truth. According to O'Toole, the former president is a genius when it comes to connecting dots within a single speech or between many speeches, sometimes waiting years or even decades to reveal the overarching point he is making. "He gets off a subject to mention another little tidbit. Then he gets back onto the subject, and he goes through this, and he does it for two hours or even two decades, and he doesn't even mispronounce one word."

Washington, D.C. - JD Vance, the regular human Republican candidate for vice-president, has announced that he plans to consider improving the nation's childbirth rates as a top priority should the Trump-Vance ticket win in November. A conservative parent explaining to a child that only little girls who don't want a baby sister get routine immunizations "One thing that keeps me up at night in the couch, and I think Democrats and Republicans should all be worried, is that we have some real demographic problems in our country," Vance explained while waiting in line to order a normal amount and variety of donuts at the Dunkin' on Massachusetts Avenue. "Real American families, and by that I mean the white ones, just aren't having enough children. I think that some of the horrible things we are doing to these parents is driving down the number of units they are willing to contribute to the domestic supply of infants, like forcing them to put toddlers in a car seat, make their school-aged children wear bike helmets, or store deli meat in the refrigerator instead of on a shelf in the pantry. Experts are not all in agreement over the cause of the declining birth rates in the United States. Dr. Mort Fishman, MD, a pediatrician practicing human medicine in Forth Worth, believes that the problem is complex and multifactorial. "Look. I support some common sense safety regulations. I mean, who wants their kid to end up with two stubs because the wood chipper they got for Christmas didn't have a warning sticker on it. But is the marginal benefit of a child not being hurled through the front windshield really worth making parents much, much more miserable?"

Centennial, CO - With Chief Justice John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh joining the three liberals, the Supreme Court has handed down a shocking 5-4 ruling in favor of the National Cattlemen's Beef Association (NCBA) that opens the door for more non-dairy milks to flood the market. NCBA president Eisele, shown here with his collection of Wellington boots while wearing his signature bowler hat "This isn't just a win for beef," NCBA president Mark Eisele explained. "This is a win for chicken farmers, oyster harvesters, and just about anyone producing pretty much anything that can be blended into a consumable liquid product. Blimey, you could probably sell Play-Doh milk now. Oh, sorry. I mean...yee-haw? Is that right?" The NCBA is an American trade association and lobbying group working for American beef producers and has been fighting the FDA to get beef milk on store shelves for over a decade. According to the new ruling, non-dairy and non-plant foods can now be sold in liquid form with the "milk" label as long as the label clearly provides the source and a disclaimer if the nutritional content is significantly different from dairy milk. This paves the way for a variety of non-traditional milks to potentially benefit from the health halo long associated with dairy products. This glass of chicken milk required half a chicken to produce. But which half? How do these new products compare to cow's milk? That's a stupid question but we asked food psychiatrist and nutritional anthropologist Kimb Sheen. "You can't go wrong with a tall glass of chicken milk. One cup has as much amalgamated globulant as traditional milk with twice the obamamino acids. And it tastes exactly like what you would expect. Not great."