Biohack Your Way to True Health Now!
- Zoo Knudsen
- Apr 15
- 7 min read
The Health Patrol
with Mitch Rangler
Everywhere you look these days, from our celebrity overlords to regular folks down in the trenches like you and me, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you True Health™, that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some weak excuse, like how you lost all your money in an internet lady's crypto bleep bloop, I have a rabbit punch waiting just for you. A rabbit punch of truth! Besides, Biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you!
Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it. Even that Musk kid!
When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. And with biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside at the deepest level. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I don't die. I'm biohacking!
Biohack you body with every breath you take, just like in that song about stalking Sting's ex-wife!
Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics that have superpowers? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without even leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. And that'll show your no good son for leaving you at that dump like leaving a homeless man who saw something he shouldn't have chained to a stump deep in the Nebraska National Forest.
I don't have a son. Not anymore!
What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my personal guide to quick and effortless biohacking! Did someone say biohacking???
I did. Biohacking!!!
Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel better. You'll have limited telekinetic powers.
Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. And I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director last November. What was his big idea again? Dinner and a movie? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown.
You may already be biohacking and not even known it. That's right! Here are a few common everyday examples:
Examples!!!
Taking a calmative to relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview.
Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least a ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market.
Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there again like the last 30 years never happened. "Mitchy, you're too distant. Why won't you open up to me?" I told her that I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion or could ever be tied down to just one woman during the ceremony. That's what the vows are for!
Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into or onto the body impacts how you feel. Optimizing both input and throughput can unleash your maximal output, and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses, and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark.
Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences!
Ever since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean covered in scales moistened by a layer of mucous gland secretions, we have sought to change our bodies. Change, and cracked, dry skin, is a fundamental aspect of modern humanity. Otzi, a 5,000-year-old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking!
Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. And thanks to recent advances in pharmobioceuticals and herbal robotics, it's now easier to do that than ever before.
Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success!
Stand up straight - Research in legitimate scientific laboratories near places like Harvard and the Research Corporation of Tampa has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone, or up at a stupid cloud, they are one step closer to their head just falling right off.
Improve your nutrition - 97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbroamino acids in the forms of femulated puddings and animal carcass. And then they wonder why so many people in their 70s and older are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago. Connect the dots!
Be one with nature - sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in longer lives. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on those benches. See! They are really old.
Eat wild foods - Hunting and gathering your food is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should keep it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman!
Drink unprocessed water - The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that nourish and fortify our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I...I can't.
Breathe fresh, natural air - I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath, your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand.
Expose yourself to natural light - There is nothing worse that you can do for your body than to expose it to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum-sealed canisters is an unhealthy replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil's greasy luminescence. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other mammal-based product because the whales voluntarily offer unto us the harvest of their illuminating blubber.
Get a new attitude - Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time that you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench to soak up the natural sunlight and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouched air. You can order pouched air from a variety of amazing source via my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one!
Listen to music - That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour.
Trust your guts - Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen.
Bonus! - Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and co-workers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside of their home or their child's school. Meaningful human connections are proven to reduce the risk of brain cramps.
Everyone can benefit from biohacking!
Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know that you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can even biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing!
Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does!
But who can benefit the most from biohacking?
People who feel like they deserve to do better
Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures
People who think that they could be healthier
Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way
Cats that are still shitting in piles of dirty clothes on your bedroom floor
Good luck!
If you have questions about biohacking, nutritionology, or True Health™, write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send it to Mitch Rangler at The Health Patrol along with $5, a DNA sample, and a photo of your cat. You can also sign up for my newsletter, which I will write and mail out once they fix the mimeograph machine in the basement.
留言