Trump Names Joel Osteen Acting Pope Hours After Death of Pope Francis

Washington, D.C. - Though the Catholic Church must ultimately go through the standard selection process, President Trump has wasted little time by naming American televangelist Joel Osteen as acting pope mere hours after the death of Pope Francis early this morning.

Joel Osteen, shown here pointing at the church's tax exempt private helicopter dropping off his dry cleaning

"I thought of Joel Osteen as soon as I heard the unfortunate news this morning," Trump explained in a post on Truth Social Media today. "Unfortunate for the other guy but very fortunate for Joel, who is a very big fan of mine even if he doesn't always like to talk about politics. He's going to do a great job as my acting pope and I expect him to win that weird election thing they do over there with all the colored smoke."

Osteen, the 62-year-old senior pastor at Lakewood Church in Houston with a net worth of over $50 million, is an unconventional pick for acting pope. According to papal historian Agostino Paravincini Bagliani, the president's choice raises a number of important concerns. "First off, he isn't Catholic. And there is a precise method of choosing the next pope that has been developed over nearly two millennia. Even one tiny variation in the process could literally destroy us all."