Trump DOJ Seeks Naughty List After Judicial Setback in Powell Probe

Washington, D.C. - Only three days after a judge blocked subpoenas served to Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell as part of a probe into potential crimes related to management of the central bank's renovation, the Department of Justice has announced that it is now seeking access to Santa's Naughty List.

Santa Clause, shown here telling a child that he better be a good boy or else he won't get any presents this year, has denied visiting Epstein Island

"This is the antithesis of American justice," United States attorney for the District of Columbia Jeanine Pirro explained. "Exonerating anyone without any records, without an investigation, or question, is not how our criminal justice system works. That's why we are asking Santa for access to his private records, and I think we all know which list Powell is going to be on. The naughty one."

The naughty list, and its counterpart the nice list, is a magically composed compendium of children around the world used to determine whether or not they deserve presents on Christmas morning. According to historical criminologist Hank Piles, use of the naughty list for the purpose of investigating crimes is controversial:

We know that the list is meticulously kept. He checks it twice for Pete's sake! But does childhood behavior truly predict adult behavior? Is it enough to justify the forced involvement of a United States citizen in a criminal investigation? Also, why is Santa watching children sleep? Maybe we should look into that?

"A mountain of evidence suggests that the government served these subpoenas on the board to pressure its chair into voting for lower interest rates or resigning," Judge James Boasberg, the chief judge on the U.S. District Court for Washington, D.C., wrote in his filing last week. "On the other side of the scale, the government has produced essentially zero evidence to suspect Chair Powell of a crime. I mean, maybe if they had some kind of proof that he was a bad kid, maybe that he lied to his parents about doing his homework or if he didn't do his chores like he was supposed to, something like that. But where would they even get that kind of information? From some kind of jolly pervert that watches kids sleep and take baths with some kind of elf magic?"

At the end of the day, this is an example of how the system is designed to work. Nobody is above the law, not even high ranking government officials, but context matters and checks and balances against potential overreach are vital in a functioning democracy. And it is an opportunity to ask important questions and to hold powerful people accountable for their actions, says Piles. "What does it even mean to be naughty or nice? And what else is on those lists? Are there photos? Videos? It's just an extreme amount of power for one individual to have over a vulnerable population, and that often results in people being taken advantage of."