Mr. Snuffles, Last Living World War 2 Military Gerbil, has Died

Arlington, VA - Mr. Snuffles, the last remaining gerbil employed by the United States military during World War 2, died this week at the age of 82.

Mr. Snuffles, shown here behind a bear in 1944, had over one hundred confirmed battlefield kills

"I'll never forget that furry little bastard," Stam Costello, an infantryman who stormed the beaches at Normandy alongside Mr. Snuffles as part of the United States Small Mammal Division, revealed. "A German soldier had me in his sights and I thought I was a goner. But that desert rate tore clean through his jugular before he knew what hit him."

Mr. Snuffles, who achieved the rank of master sergeant prior to his retirement in 1972, was laid to rest at Arlington Pet Cemetary today with several hundred people and military animals in attendance. This included Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, acting chief of staff of the Army General Christopher LaNeve, and Lieutenant Colonel Giggles the Dolphin of the United States Cetacean Corps. The ceremony featured full military honors, including a color guard, riderless horse, and 13-gun salute by cannon. A solid gold exercise wheel was presented to Mr. Snuffles's widow and roughly 5,000 sons and daughters.

"In life, he honored this country," Lt. Col. gorilla Georgie Bananas signed to the family at one point during the ceremony. "In death, the country honors him." Georgie Bananas wept.