Columbus, OH - In a much anticipated follow-up to their 2022 study on the prevalence of haunted colons among Americans, researchers at the Paranormal Research Medical Group (PRMG) are now looking into the potential benefit of exorcism as a science-based treatment option.
"As we showed in our previous study, haunted colons are extremely prevalent in the United States," Project Leader Bruce Sagemiller explained. "And these bowel bogies are likely to blame for a variety of intestinal ailments, like irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, painful gas, and maybe even hemorrhoids."
Ever since the study was first announced, there has been backlash from the mainstream medical community. According to Sagemiller, skepticism is understandable and even appreciated. "People laughed at Galileo too, and not just because he knows so many dirty limericks about Catholic priests. I'm serious. We contacted him during a seance/planning session last year."
"We set out to design a skeptic-proof study," Sagemiller revealed. "That meant proper randomization and blinding. That meant having a true exorcism treatment group and one where subjects underwent a sham exorcism. People are shockingly trusting when you put on one of those priest collars. I mean, we enrolled kids in this study and parents were completely fine with this."
Although the results of the study have not been released yet, the haunted colon patient community is optimistic that exorcism will be proven to work and that insurance companies will cover the intervention. Dr. Mort Fishman, a clinical borborygmologist practicing in Savannah, Georgia, says that many of his patients are desperate. "For their sake, I'm hopeful. And if I never have to deal with another innards imp or sphincter specter ever again, well that's just fine by me."
Not to mention sigmoid succubi.