New Study Finds Most American Colons Haunted

Columbus, OH - A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many of the hosts are unaware of their ghostly stowaways.

A board certified gastroparapsychologist, shown here sensing the presence of a vengeful intra-abdominal poltergeist in a woman complaining of unusual feelings of movement in her lower abdomen

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically after being made aware of piles of anecdotal evidence that have accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sage Miller, Project Leader of the Ohio-based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP), the study of unexplained hidden sounds on audio or digital recordings. "We were surprised to find out how widespread the problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic-proof study. After using a standard randomization technique of throwing darts at an open phone book while blindfolded in order to identify a study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two separate but equally valid approaches to diagnosing the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and a specialized version of gastrointestinal EVP analysis. "We were extra careful because the results of many quality studies have been ignored in the past because of closed-minded attacks on the methodology, and I didn't want something that I believe in so strongly to suffer the same fate."

Team psychic and 7th degree cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running a pair of hand-bent wire dowsing rods back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or LinkedIn profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wires, which had chosen her to be their master during the ancient rite of passage that all cyber-dowsers must survive on their 13th birthday. "My rods have been by my side for almost thirty years and have saved my life more times than I can count, and I can count pretty high. When they tell me a subject's colon is clear of any ghostly squatters, I trust them."

The second stage of the process involved recording sounds emanating from the remaining subjects' abdomens and then analyzing them for the presence of any phantom messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After weeding out true haunted colons from patients with a small intrabdominal troll or "Shit Smurf", statistical analysis was performed that led to the study's incredible conclusion: three out of every four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now trying to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. And we don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a number of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and even painful gas."

A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.