New Study Finds Children in Constant Danger, Mostly Because of Democrats

Tuscon, AZ - Shocking new research funded by the Institute for Safe Children (ISC), a conservative think tank based out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix, reveals that virtually all children, regardless of age or location, are in constant and serious danger.

A group of young children, shown smiling as they imagine a country ruled by conservative leaders where they need never again face the tyranny of men reading to them at a local library while wearing heavy make-up and a sparkly dress

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Hank Whiteman explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certain going to die at any moment from something. Probably not anything you would think of either, but something completely unexpected that you can do nothing to prevent except for helping to save the country from socialists, communists, election fraud, activist Democrat judges, CRT, woke, and open borders come the midterms."

The research, which involved sending surveys to nationally syndicated conservative talk radio hosts, registered voters in Wyoming, people yelling at school board meetings, that guy at work who still says "Let's go Brandon!", and Republican governors in Florida, does have its critics. Mort Fishman, a pediatrician and vocal member of the Americal College of Pediatricians, is concerned that the announcement of the study's findings might mislead some parents:

The media coverage so far has only focused on nebulous claims of imminent yet undefined dangers facing children everywhere in this country, leaving families to come up with their own nightmare scenarios. And while the data clearly does support the near certainty of every child's agonizing demise, probably when their parents least suspect it, caregivers must also be made aware of all the highly specific known threats to their children and how it's all Biden and the Democrats fault."

Fishman recommends that parents set aside a few hours every week, if not daily, to practice what he calls "focused fear". This involves dedicated visualization of their child being murdered by an immigrant, eating mouthfuls of rainbow fentanyl handed out by a stranger at Halloween, being forcibly vaccinated with an experimental drug that changes their DNA, learning about evolution or being forced to change genders in school, watching a grandparent suffer the indignity of receiving social security retirement benefits, or seeing two adult men lovingly hold hands while walking in the park. "Really surrender to the fear and shoot for a heart rate of about 180 beats per minute. And then vote based purely on that fear."