Nation's Drug Dealers Disappointed by Abysmal Halloween Economic Report

Washington, D.C. - According to a new Bureau of Economic Analysis report, a controversial effort to boost sales by giving free fentanyl to children on Halloween has resulted in yet another huge financial loss for the nation's drug dealers.

Actress Sydney Sweeney, shown here talking to a group of middle schoolers about forced sterilization of intellectually impaired women

"If someone had told me two weeks ago that hiding fentanyl in Halloween candy for children still wouldn't be a successful marketing strategy, I would have laughed in their stupid face, but here we are...again," Fentanyl Suppliers of America (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "As a lifelong gambling addict, I know when someone is due for some good luck. And I am very, very due for some good luck."

2025 marks the third year in a row in which Gunderson's Halloween strategy has failed to provide a meaningful boost in drug sales. The beleaguered industry leader, who also played a key role in greenlighting the failed limited edition holiday fentanyl initiative, is accepting full blame. "I can't help but begin to wonder if the problem is that I lost sight of something really important. Why am I doing this? I mean, why do I work so hard? For the money? For the awards or the corner office with a view? I think at the end of the day, it's about people. This is a people business. I forgot that."

The FSA, which manages the supply and marketing of fentanyl as well as several other well-known illegal drugs in the United States, has had more misses than hits in recent years when it comes to product promotion. And with the military now targeting dangerous fishing/fentanyl smuggling boats with tactical nuclear weapons, including gravity bombs, short-range missiles, artillery shells, depth charges, dolphins with bombs strapped to their fins, and torpedoes, investors are starting to worry. According to Gunderson, however, 2026 is going to be a big year. "Don't count us out just yet! I've got a few good ideas left and some big plans for next year."

Knudsen's News has obtained a list of potential FSA plans for marketing drugs to American consumers:

1. Something with Sydney Sweeney. People love her.

2. A Superbowl ad where Charli D'Amelio offers some edibles to a group of ICE officers and undocumented farm workers in order to help ease tensions, with both groups erupting into a choreographed dance routine to a song from Dixie D'Amelio's new album.

3. A commercial where a young black boy shares his feelings of grief and abandonment with a local drug dealer who helps him to understand that dropping acid is a way to feel connected to his recently deceased father.

4. New Cocaine (TOP SECRET: then after a few months we switch back to Classic Cocaine!)

5. Roll out a pink Himalayan crystal meth in some markets to appeal to New Age addicts

6. Rebranding with a series of print and online ads where a bunch of attractive models liven up a boring pool party with FUNtanyl-laced Molly. Maybe Sydney Sweeney is there?