More Drug Dealers Relying on Body Language Analysis

Cincinnati, OH - As the threat of tariffs and rising inflation continue to negatively impact the economy, more of the nation's drug dealers are turning to the science of body language analysis to help find potential long-term customers.

Crossed arms with uncrossed legs indicates a powerful urge to try fentanyl, just to see what all the fuss is about.

"This has always been a tough job," Cincinnati fentanyl dealer Joe "Soggy" Bottoms explained. "But they don't tell you that when you start out. Nobody tells you how hard the work is, how unappreciated you can feel, or how often customers that you have developed a relationship with will suddenly just stop coming back, I assume because they quit using."

Smiling with hands and feet open at a roughly 15 degree angle indicates being very interested in a lengthy fentanyl addiction at the expense of all other social relationships.

Historically, drug dealers could just sit back and let interested people come to them. As the economy in many regions has suffered since the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic, and inflation has failed to respond to President Trump's bold economic strategy, many dealers have turned to active marketing in order to stabilize incomes and to avoid large staff layoffs. Some have even turned to marketing gimmicks, like rainbow and glitter fentanyl or giving out drug-laced candy on Halloween, that have largely failed because young children don't have much disposable income.

An upturned gaze combined with arms held straight but slightly away from the torso indicates a lack of interest in fentanyl but an insatiable desire for anything, anything at all, that comes in a box with Elmo on it.

An increasing number of dealers are now turning to experts in the field of body language analysis in order to help focus customer discovery efforts. One expert, psychokinesiologist Mort Fishman, has been working with drug dealers for years and believes that a team approach can be very helpful. "Not everyone realizes on a conscious level that they are ready to try fentanyl, for example. But when I see them lean slightly forward and squint their eyes just a bit, I know that they are either ready to talk to a dealer or trying to hold in a fart." 

Body language analysis has proven highly successful in predicting how people feel about things that have happened to them, but there is little evidence to guide the practice when it comes to fentanyl readiness. Fishman, who in 1997 famously determined that Prince William was sad because of the way he slightly tilted his head to the right while walking behind his mother's casket, points to a study that he recently completed. "I secretly gave fentanyl to hundreds of random people and analyzed their responses over the course of several months. And I'm pretty sure I could tell which of the subjects liked it and which didn't."