Hundreds Dead As Pet Owners Discover Unhealthy Dog Food Ingredients

St. Louis, MO - A mob of angry pet owners, shocked by the discovery of unhealthy ingredients like chicken by-product meal and corn gluten meal in their regular dog food, stormed the headquarters of several pet food companies today, leaving hundreds dead.

It takes several podlings, like the one shown here volunteering to help Blue Buffalo scientists create a healthier dog food, to equal the amount of life-sustaining essence from just one gelfling

"This is unacceptable, just unacceptable," Judy Smith, owner of an adorable 3-year-old Havanese named Mr. Jangles, explained after ripping the trachea from the throat of Purina receptionist Bridget Berryhill with her bare hands. "Did they think that we wouldn't find out? I compared Purina to Blue Buffalo on the website and learned the truth. They brought this bloodshed on themselves!"

Fooled by misleading packaging and seemingly sincere commercials for years, dog owners across the country have had to face the painful realization that the brands they have relied on for their furry companions are lacking in what dog's need to be healthy. Kent Whitaker, Executive VP of Strategic Competitor Shaming at Blue Buffalo, believes that consumers should be angry about what they have been feeding their pets:

At Blue Buffalo, we don't condone the murder of innocent low level employees who may not have played a role in designing our competitors' products. But we do understand that many people think of their pets as members of the family and would do anything to ensure their health and happiness. I wonder what I might be capable of if I were to find out that I was depriving my precious 6-month-old Cavalier King Charles Randy of our exclusive LifeSource Bits^™.

Most dog food brands are teeming with unhealthy and even toxic ingredients according to a website. Glutens, high fructose chicken waste, and even dexamethylguantanamobamacaramine, which was recently voted the scariest ingredient by an FDA panel of experts appointed by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., some of whom went to college. Panel member Adult Rock, father of musician Kid Rock and owner of the basement where they meet on Thursday nights, believes that comparing dog food labels is extremely important.

BLUE Buffalo is the only dog food brand that contains LifeSource Bits^™, which are a precise blend of vitamins and antioxidants that have absorbed a small amount of energy from the Heart of Gaia, the seed of existence from which all life on Earth originates and that they keep contained in a secret underground research facility.

Blue Buffalo is always searching for new and healthier ingredients. In addition to Lifesource Bits^™, the production of which will leave the Earth a barren husk devoid of all life by the year 2030, there are a number of candidates for inclusion in future products. These include acai berry pulp, coconut water, and SoulSource Drops^™, a nourishing liquid made from Gelfling essence and unicorn tears.