Phizer Announces Revolutionary Anti-Aging Drug

New York - Phizer, the American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation behind such blockbuster products as Zithromax Flavor Blast™ liquid water enhancer and Manorgamax, has announced a breakthrough in anti-aging medicine that they expect to be available by the end of the summer.

Does Anthony Fauci take Extendor to live longer and stronger? We'll never tell. But yes, he totally does! And that's why he's America's favorite...I want to say...accountant?

"This is a once-in-a-generation advance in the treatment of human aging," Phizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "Patients taking xifendactimumorb have been found to age more slowly than the typical rate experienced by people who aren't appropriate candidates for the treatment."

Xifendactimumorb, which will be marketed as Extendor, is a pill that must be taken weekly and after completing a five kilometer run at a 9-minute mile pace or faster. Mort Fishman, a retired physician and vice president of Pfizer's Division of Immortality and Erectile Dysfunction, says that the science supports the hype. "I saw the results first hand. Many of these subjects felt significantly younger and healthier than similarly aged subjects who couldn't tolerate or afford the treatment."

Pfizer expects that Extendor will cost around $250,000 for a one-year supply and will not be covered by insurance. According to Fishman, having a strict treatment protocol is important in order to avoid confusion and improper use. "This revolutionary pharmaceutical intervention won't be for everybody, but it will be for patients with the drive and determination to push past the limits of human biology through restorative sleep for at least 8 hours each night, a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables, regular intense aerobic exercise with some weight training, meaningful social relationships and strong family bonds, and several lengthy vacations every year."