Fewer Elderly Americans are Absorbing Life Essence to Stay Alive, Study Finds

Near Harvard - A recently published study has revealed that fewer elderly Americans are choosing to prolong their lives by absorbing the vital essence of younger generations.

Milton Carport Jr., shown here not siphoning life essence from the soul of his great-great-grandson, and minutes before collapsing into a pile of dust that was carried off by the wind

"The results are clear and compelling," lead researcher and nonagenarian Judd Crenshaw explained. "Things haven't been going well in this country. If someone offered me the opportunity to suck out some kids life juice to hold off death for a few more decades, I might pass too. I mean, who am I? Tom Hanks? But seriously, I've had a good run."

The study, published in Online Publishing Module #​63,983: Ancient Secrets of Eternal Life, Dark Magic-Related Life Hacks, is based on surveys responses from thousands of elderly American men and women. According to Crenshaw, respondents cited a variety of explanations for why they won't be harvesting life essence from any infants or toddlers this year. "There are a lot of older Americans out there who just don't have an optimistic attitude about the future. I encourage everyone to check on their elderly family members and neighbors to see if they are doing okay."