Area Mother Close to Admitting Miracle Child is Complete Asshole

Newton, MA - After several years of expensive fertility treatments and multiple failed cycles of in vitro fertilization, Britt and Lancine Millersby had all but given up hope of becoming parents. But despite the odds against it, the couple conceived a child during a 2022 vacation to the Loire Valley region of France, and Lancine delivered a healthy baby boy less than a year later. Unfortunately, the child, named Britt after Lancine's beloved uncle who had died as a result of injuries sustained from a fall down an open manhole while visiting New York the previous summer, began to show signs of behavioral difficulties after only a few weeks.

Asshole child Britt Millersby, shown here undergoing a cortical scraping with the help of Intuitive's da Vinci 5 Surgical System

"I blamed myself in the beginning," Britt Millersby explained. "Britt's pediatrician tried to reassure us that some babies have a rough start, but deep down I knew that something was off. I think I knew that he was an asshole that first week."

Lancine chalked Britt's behavior up to normal childhood development. By the time he had turned two, however, she had heard the whispers from other parents at the park or during classes at the Gymboree in nearby Needham. "The first time someone mentioned the possibility that Britt was an asshole was when he got his first haircut at Sal's Barber Shop on Walnut Street. I was so angry at first. But it kept happening and eventually I started to think that maybe there could be something to it."

Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD) isn't typically diagnosed until the toddler years, but recent studies suggest that the condition begins in the womb when baby goo is first clumping together into individual body parts and organs, in this case the brain. Mort Fishman, a PAD researcher who directs the Institute for Asshole Science at the University of West Dakota in San Diego (IAS-UWDSD), believes that genetics plays a key role but stresses that intrauterine environment and parenting are also factors.

I'm confident that the inheritance of certain genes are the driving force behind PAD, but I don't want anyone out there to think for a second that somehow, in some way, regardless of how minimal their role is, mothers are at least partially to blame for their kid being not just a jerk or a piece of crap but a complete and total asshole...medically speaking.

In the past, Britt, the child and not the father, who is more of a scumbag than an asshole, would have faced a life of annoying the shit out of everyone he came into contact with, limiting his ability to fit into society and forcing him to hang out online with millions of other non-gay American men sharing gym bathroom videos out and taking about how much they hate women. In recent years, however, treatments aimed at reducing the impact of PAD have become increasingly available. And a potential cure, using the CRISPR-Cas9 system to edit a child's entire genome, is showing promise.

Though typically thought of as a last resort intervention for adult patients with Chronic Asshole Disorder (CAD), surgically scraping a patient's cortex is being used more and more in children as a way to reduce asshole behaviors. According to Fishman, there is no reason to be afraid of a good scraping these days. "Until a true cure is found, robotic technology and artificial intelligence has made neurosurgical interventions safer than ever. Your kid may still be prick after the treatment, or maybe even a little douchebag, but not an asshole. And a lot of parents can tolerate that."