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People are always asking what happened to the characters after that day. Did Ferris and Sloane get married? Yes! And now their kid is having a day off too. Cameron? Well...his father killed him when he got home and saw what happened to the car. Murder-suicide. And for some reason Tom Cruise is in this, but he's playing Maverick from Top Gun . And there are zombies. I'm contractually obligated to do this. Matthew Broderick, shown here with wife Sarah Jessica Parker, discussing the recently announced Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2: Top Gun: Maverick 2: Zombie Apocalypse Matthew Broderick, star of the original Ferris Bueller's Day Off along with numerous other highly regarded film and Broadway productions over the past 5 decades, overheard talking about a follow-up to the 1986 classic comedy at his 7 a.m. Pilates class in the West Village.

Cambridge, MA - The results of a groundbreaking scientific study conducted near Harvard are calling into question a long-held culinary belief and angering home cooks around the world. Half of the study meals were prepared by Gladys Simpson, a real life grandmother whose heart is filled with hate, shown here angrily whisking up some homemade meringue "It's a myth," Chief culinologist and the study's lead author Gilbert Gaudet explained. "The subjects in our study performed no better than chance when attempting to detect when a grandmother-prepared meal was made with love. They might as well have flipped a coin." The study followed a strict protocol that involved blinding subjects so that they were unaware of which of two grandmothers, only one having any love to give, had prepared their meals. According to Gaudet, the experience of a meal is influenced by a variety of factors, most of which are entirely subjective and influenced by personal preferences and biases. "People are more likely to taste love in a meal when they know it was cooked by someone that cares about them, or at least who they think cares about them. Let's be honest, a lot of grandmothers are just phoning it in." Published earlier this month in Online Publishing Module # 784,347: Proceedings of the National Academy of Home Cookin' , the study is making waves around the world. Some critics, like Myrna Miller, a Nebraska grandmother as famous for her peach cobbler as for her no-nonsense approach to media interviews, don't accept the study conclusions or proposed mechanism behind them. "I don't buy it. It's nonsense. And everyone knows that I don't stand for nonsense, especially when it comes to home cookin'. Y'all come back now if you have any more questions, ya hear?" Another interesting result from the study involved the assessment of subject confidence. The majority of participants expressed very high confidence in their ability to determine when a recipe was made with love or when it was full of hate. Subject 11, who request to remain anonymous in order to avoid breaking his grandmother's heart, found that the results were more than a bit hard to swallow. "I would have bet my house on that lasagna being full of love, but they showed me the recipe. Basil, garlic, oregano, pasta, sauce, and cheese. It was all there...except for the love. I've been living a lie."

Baton Rouge, LA - Jeff Landry, Louisiana governor and U.S. Special Envoy to Greenland, is defending his plan to send a fleet of emergency pirogues to the Danish territory after a stern rejection from the semi-autonomous island nation's prime minister. Alphonse Thibodeaux, a retired shrimper from Mamou, shown here in his pirogue preparing to head out to Greenland along with the rest of the fleet "Shame on dat couyon," Landry wrote on X over the weekend. "After making the veiller with so many dem Greenlanders bout all the problems dat they got tous les jours, healthcare was un grande de'pouille, cher." Landry was responding to Prime Minister Nielson's immediate and forceful rejection on Sunday of President Trump's plan to send aid to Greenland despite the lack of a known medical emergency on the island or an invitation. He added that the health of Greenland is important for national security here in the United States, and that Louisiana would add to Trump's effort by sending a large fleet of pirogues to Greenland carrying a variety of emergency supplies. The pirogue, traditionally crafted from a single hollowed out cypress log, are lightweight and buoyant watercraft that typically measure between ten and twenty feet in length. Cajun historian Andouille Hebert, an expert in the history of the pirogue, says that their flat bottom and shallow draft, and lightweight design, allow them to be easily propelled with a paddle or push pole. "The pirogue has played may roles in Louisiana culture , from transportation, to hunting and fishing, and as a symbol of our community and traditions. And if any boat could make the 3,000-mile journey across the Atlantic Ocean to Greenland, then it just might be the mighty pirogue!" In a Truth Social post on Saturday, Trump announced his plan to send a "great hospital boat" to Greenland, though both USNS Mercy and USNS Comfort are currently in dry dock for scheduled maintenance. According to the president, Greenland would not need to wait long. "Working with the fantastic Governor of Louisiana, Jeff Landry, we are going to send a great hospital boat to Greenland to take care of the many people who are sick, and not being taken care of there. It's on the way!!!" Landry added in his response to the Prime Minister that many in Greenland are missing out on essential basic services taken for granted by Americans. "There are small settlements without boudin, without dat good French bread for makin' po'boys, and without even un petit peu of Tony Chachere's to put in their gumbo. Mais tracasse-toi pas. That's why we sendin' dem good Louisiana boys in dem pirogues to help out, and maybe we throw in a little lagniappe too. Ca c'est bon! Allons-y, boo."

Nobody should be discouraged who is alive right now because there is a lot to look forward to thanks to rapidly advancing technology. Most of you won't even have to worry about that dreaded commute to work by 2045, because of robots. Yes...robots. You'll all be...ummm...living in space while the robots do all the hard stuff? Yeah, that's right. Just relaxing in space. Doesn't that sound exciting? And you won't all be left behind. Who said anything about all the poor people being left on Earth? Not me. You'll definitely all be invited. Jeff Bezos, shown here discussing the installation of med-bays, devices that can heal any condition and reverse aging, in his luxury space station orbiting just outside of Earth's atmosphere with a group of billionaires gathered on Skull Island Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon and Blue Origin, while speaking on stage to a crowd of low- and middle-income workers at the Future Trends 2026 conference held this weekend in Detroit.

Washington, D.C. - After weeks of intrigue, and White House officials ignoring reporters' questions about obvious use of low-quality make-up and prosthetic devices, details on the nature and severity of President Trump's mysterious hand injuries have been leaked, revealing the loss of both of the world leader's index fingers in a tragic finger trap incident. President Trump, shown here using one of his now amputated index fingers to point at the sky during a solar eclipse in 2017. "I'm not sure that I've ever seen anything quite like this," Mort Fishman, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in novelty and gag toy-related injuries, explained after reviewing the leaked documents. "Don't get me wrong, I've seen some stuff. I got the call when the Queen fractured her coccyx because of an overinflated whoopee cushion. But this is different. His fingers...they're just gone." According to the files anonymously mailed to news organizations around the country, the president spent several days early last year with both index fingers stuck in a bamboo finger trap, sometimes called a Chinese finger puzzle though it is not truly of Chinese origin. Despite the efforts of Chaz McBang, Trump's handpicked Commanding General of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, the president's fingers were ultimately amputated. McBang, who previously hosted McBang and Rotating Blond Woman , a late-night science and celebrity gossip show on Fox News, also serves as Trump's magnet czar . In response to the leak, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was in full denial mode, calling the information a hoax during a press conference held late yesterday. President Trump did not stick his fingers in a Chinese finger trap. He was not confused by how the trap works and he was not scared. At no point did he cry because he thought he would be stuck like that forever. And he absolutely did not yank so hard trying to escape the finger trap that the paper-thin skin was torn off of both index fingers resulting in the need for an amputation. Finger traps, or at least some variation of the modern gag toy, date to at least 1870 when a single-sided version was used by German prostitutes on unsuspecting clients with a history of refusing to pay for services rendered. Those devices, recorded as Schwanzenfanger or the German translation "Cock Catchers", were outlawed after a syphilis epidemic in 1893. Modern finger traps employ a similar mechanism of action involving cylindrical, helically wound braids that tighten when lengthened by pulling. Releasing the trap requires simply relaxing the tension, but a target of the gag can free themselves with enough pulling force as the traps are generally made from fairly weak bamboo fibers. The president's injuries appear to have been a result of a mix of panic and extremely fragile skin and soft tissue. Dr. Fishman, who is familiar with a variety of injuries caused through the well-intentioned use of items like the finger trap. "Have fun, but you have to be careful and you have to pay attention to the environment. I once treated a man who had opened one of those snake nut cans while walking down a sidewalk with the perpetrator, and then he fell into an open manhole while distracted."

After directing movies for six decades, I've learned a lot about how movies are made. It is rewarding, but never easy. Nothing in this business, and I mean nothing, is more challenging than figuring out where to set up the cameras before all that amazing stuff happens. Director Steven Spielberg, shown here holding up his 2026 Golden Globes trophies for writing and directing The Fabelmans 2: Sammy vs. The Time Gobblers Legendary filmmaker Steven Spielberg, overheard in December at the Sky Zone Trampoline Park in Cerritos speaking to Timothée Chalamet at his 30th birthday party.

Being a mother can be hard, and these women deserve our respect and our support. I once hiked all .6 miles of the Bear Lake Loop in Rocky Mountain National Park without stopping, so I know what it's like. That's why I'm qualified to tell them how important it is that they are attached to their baby at all times in order to prevent future mental health issues. Mort Fishman, neonatal psychologist and women ally, shown here expressing empathy and concern as he tells a new mother to hang in there Mort Fishman, a neonatal psychologist at Willie Nelson's Down Home Birthing Pavilion near Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, during a lecture to medical students on the importance of maternal-infant bonding and the reasons why it should be mandatory and regulated by a strict set of federal laws

Nashville, TN - Experts agree that the bond between a newborn baby and their former host is one of the most important psychosocial milestones in childhood, and an increasing number of hospitals are using an objective assessment tool to provide real-time feedback so that healthcare teams, in consultation with the mother, can make informed parenting choices. A mother, shown here more than 3 inches away from her newborn, having likely already doomed the baby to a lifetime of despair because of poor bonding in the pivotal first 18 to 26 years of life "Bonding is the intense attachment that develops between a mother and her baby," Mort Fishman, Chief of Neonatal Psychology at Willie Nelson's Down Home Birthing Pavilion near Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, explained. "It's what inspires a mother to love their baby and to care for them despite all the exhaustion, the drain on financial resources, and the loss of personal freedom. And let's not forget what it does to their bodies, which is just a shame...a real shame." Scientists don't know everything about mother-baby bonding. But that doesn't mean we haven't learned a lot since it was first discovered by top men in the 1960s. It is clear, for example, that a strong early attachment helps to establish a relationship pattern that will last throughout the lifespan of a child. Studies of newborn monkeys who were given mannequin mothers at birth proved that human infants should be held face down against their mother's bare chest frequently until at least their senior year of high school in order to ensure that they never experience any emotional dysregulation during the transition from the neonatal period into a 4-year undergraduate program. Fishman revealed that bonding is key in the development of a sense of security and positive self-esteem. A mother's responsiveness to behavioral cues has a huge impact on their baby's social and cognitive development, and a non-bonded newborn is more likely to suffer from despondency and despair. Sad babies just break our hearts here at Willie's Down Home Birthing Pavilion. I just spoke to a nurse over at Reba McEntire's Center for Women's Health and Hot Chicken Hut, and she said that they feel the same way over there. One of the most challenging aspects of assisting the bonding process has been a lack of insight into the perspective of the baby, and a means of determining the exact percentage of bonding on a real-time basis. The development of an assessment tool that uses objective data from a bedside evaluation of a newborn was something that neonatal psychologists like Fishman have waited decades for. This is a game changer in my opinion. This scoring system is something that we now use at our pavilion to give women feedback on how good of a mother they are being, but it's also something that fathers can easily learn to use at home as well. Most women do great, but some just need a constant nudge in the right direction to get above the recommended benchmark of 80% bonded. Bonding is a complex and personal experience that often benefits from the outside opinions of friends, family, and random people in Facebook comment sections. Fishman adds that there is no magic formula when it comes to ensuring a successful bond between a mother and her baby, but it is worth focusing on. "It definitely isn't something that we just came up with a few decades ago in order to blame women for stuff like juvenile delinquency or autism. It's a science. And it's important." Fishman recommends the following to new mothers as a start in achieving adequate bonding with their baby: Prepare in advance. Find a bonding-friendly birth plan. There are many examples that can be found online that are all probably fine. Just bring one in and stick to it no matter what. Stay in contact. Maintain eye and skin contact with your baby at all times. Maternal sleep is secondary to making sure that your baby loves you and will be able to make friends when he or she goes to school. Better yet, consider homeschooling until college and even a homeschool-based undergraduate degree just to be safe. Breastfeed often and the right way. Breastfeeding is one of the most important things you can do for you and your baby, and nothing should get in the way. If you are struggling, seek advice from someone whose entire worldview revolves around breastfeeding at all costs, like an online religious breastfeeding support group or that lady who yells at people in front of the Whole Foods. Ask for help. If it's online, it has to be true. There are many rules and regulations that keep information found on the internet safe and accurate. so feel free to just go nuts with it. Trust your instincts. Your gut is going to steer you in the right direction, especially if a little fear and anxiety are there to help keep you focused on what truly matters, which is avoiding being blamed for any problems your child ends up having.

Opinion Frank Grimes, DC Frank Grimes, shown here confidently telling a mother that her baby's spleen is sad, has watched Jurassic Park eleven times As a highly trained expert in spinal health, including advanced certificates in pediatric chiropractic, newborn wellness, and backpack weight distribution management, I work with a lot of families with young children. One of the most important topics I discuss with parents is the role of primitive reflexes in growth and development. What? You've never heard of primitive reflexes? They only play a huge role in your baby's nervous system, and that means movement, learning, and...well...everything! It means all of the things! Primitive Reflexes are natural movements that are present before your baby is even born, hopefully at home and naturally, because maternal pain is extremely important for bonding and attachment. Mothers who ask for pain relief during labor are also less likely to receive regular chiropractic care! These reflexes should gradually disappear as your child's nervous system grows more robust, which allows for more intentional and ultimately precise control over their body. But what if they don't? Could this cause future problems, perhaps with coordination, learning, behavior, and success in life? Yes! Who wants a clumsy kid who can't get a job??? Primitive reflexes help babies survive, move, and develop their nervous system. Most babies these days no longer live in fear of being gobbled up by a dinosaur, like in Jurassic Park , but our primitive baby ancestors needed an edge against large predators. They needed proper control, balance, and cognitive function to crawl away from a rampaging T. rex or roll from back to front in order to fend off a diving Pterodactylus . It sure was tough being a cavebaby! The only thing protecting ancient cavebabies from a hungry dinosaur, like this adorable compy, might just have been their ability to fight back with primitive reflexes, and maybe some kind of wooden club! Remember Captain Caveman? Unga bunga! If these primitive but powerful reflexes stick around for too long, like an alpha raptor checking the electric perimeter fence of their containment paddock for weaknesses during feeding time, they actually begin to make it harder for a child to develop. That's why parents need to learn about them! And this is where chiropractors like me, who have attended at least 3 weekend seminars at some of the finest airport Howard Johnson hotels across this great country (and one that was in Europe. Well, it was Montreal. But that's practically Europe!), can play a big role in educating families and helping kids to grow and thrive by integrating their reflexes the right way! They speak French in Montreal. Ooh la la! There are many primitive reflexes, but often the first one that new parents notice is the Moro reflex. First recognized by Ernst Moro in 1918 when he accidentally dropped a newborn down an open manhole near his clinic in Heidelberg, this key reflex is always present at birth in healthy babies and should go away after a few months. Historically, this reflex played an important role in both fight and flight, helping babies to defend themselves from predators or, if facing a particularly large dinosaur or overwhelmed by the sheer number of a group of small but aggressive dinosaurs, maybe some Microraptors or a swarm of Compsognathus , to cling to the back of a friendly dinosaur, lets say a Gallimimus , as it carried them back to the safety of the caves. Not all dinosaurs were bad! When the Moro reflex sticks around past its expiration date, there are a variety of possible adverse outcomes. Imagine trying to make your way in the world while constantly being triggered to defend yourself or to flee? These kids are always on edge, often acting impulsively as if their lives were constantly in danger because their brains are reacting to minor stimuli like our cavebaby ancestors reacted to a swiftly approaching Spinosaurus . They can't focus. They struggle with social interactions. They are anxious. They are terrible at baseball. Their adrenal glands are exhausted. They end up with unfulfilling careers and unsatisfying relationships. And they get asthma for some reason. I can't know everything! As a chiropractor who specializes in infant spinal care, I always focus on improving the communication between the brain and the body. My ultimate goal is a 100% optimized connection with absolutely no interference, like the computer system at Jurassic Park before Dennis Nedry sabotaged it with the White Rabbit backdoor program. I apply gentle adjustments in most cases, using only the amount of pressure you might use when checking the ripeness of a tomato. Sometimes a spinal segment is really stuck, however, and I need to increase the amount of pressure a bit, along the lines of checking to see if a dinosaur egg is ready to hatch. I'm just kidding. I know those dinosaurs weren't real. It was just a movie. I know that. That's exactly what they want us to think! Adjustments of the spine help remove stress placed on a child's nervous system and allow for proper development. If a reflex overstays its welcome, I can help with highly specific interventions like full spine x-rays, spinal manipulation (usually just the neck), recommending the avoidance of childhood vaccines, and a healthy diet. I can give parents instruction on specialized care that can be done at home, such as movement-based exercises and calling to schedule weekly treatment sessions at my clinic for the next few years in advance, even if their child is doing well. You don't stop going to the dentist just because you didn't have a cavity! Chiropractors are the dentists of the spine! If you are at all worried about your child's development, a thorough chiropractic assessment can help determine if their nervous system is optimized. Early intervention is important because whenever my treatments don't work it's because the parents waited too long to bring their child into the clinic. I guess some parents just don't care enough to make sure their child thrives physically, emotionally, and academically. But not you. You want your child to reach their full potential and to ensure that they become confident, capable, well-balanced adults with good jobs and a successful marriage. Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Reflex Renovation package for children. This includes a complete spine analysis, with neurocalometric measurements and a full primitive reflex evaluation, and that thing where the chiropractor lightly thumps on your kid's back with a little handheld device, for only $99. Call today!

Children that fail to integrate primitive reflexes have an unbalanced nervous system and go on to experience learning problems, poor development, sensory sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, bedwetting into adulthood, challenges with finding anyone to love them, and a string of one dead-end job after another until, ultimately, they die penniless, afraid, and alone. Frank Grimes, DC, DACCP, DICCP, FICCP, MSCP, Level 7 Spine Wizard Frank Grimes, a doctor of chiropractic who specializes in the management of retained primitive spinal reflexes in children, in his keynote speech during the 43rd annual American Council of Clinical Chiropractic Pediatrics Enclave of the Grand Elders held last weekend at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark.

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence. A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in a naturally occurring Uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups "This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comfortable conviviality," study author Asger  Bøggild explained. "And in addition to being at the core of our feelings of wellness and contentment, it is just wonderful...like the cosmos welcoming us all home with a warm and inviting hug." Predicting the existence of a theoretical particle is only the first step. Bøggild and his team will now work on proving it with the help of the Large Hadron Collider, the world's biggest and most powerful particle accelerator. "We will take two test subjects that are enjoying a quiet and cozy Friday evening, perhaps watching a favorite movie while snuggling on the sofa in front of a warm fire with a large bowl of mixed candies and glasses of gløgg, and collide them at over 99% of the speed of light. If the Hygges Boson exists, we will detect it." Not all experts are expressing support for the planned experiments. Some, like skeptical physicist Skræmt Gnaven, are warning that such high energy collisions could result in the formation of something spooky and unsettling that hides just beneath the thin patina of comfort and warmth. "The creation of an artificial and extremely powerful Uhygges field is possible when you mess around with fundamental forces of human nature like this." Gnaven, who studies naturally occurring Uhygges fields by dressing up as a clown and chasing young children through the forests near his home town of Aarhus, worries that an artificially created Uhygges filed could expand exponentially. Gaining power as it grows in size, the field could eventually envelop the entirety of the Earth in an ominous feeling of existential discomfort. "Imagine having all of the relaxation, all of the enjoyment of life's quieter pleasures, just sucked out of you and everyone you love. It would be most unpleasant."

Washington, D.C. - After an overnight announcement by President Trump, Washington insiders are now saying that plans are in motion to erect a statue in honor of elite forensic psychiatrist and Baltimore socialite Hannibal Lecter on White House grounds. Pennywise the Dancing Clown, shown here being told that he will not be receiving a Presidential Medal of Freedom this year "It is probably going to be placed on the south side of the grounds," an anonymous source who asked for it to be specifically written that he wasn't JD Vance , explained. "But the president is flexible about the exact location. He might even put it right in front of the White House. And I mean right in front." Lecter, a child of Lithuanian and Italian nobility is as well known for his intelligence, refined taste, and impeccable manners as he is for occasionally eating his murder victims. According to cultural historian Boggs Hominy, Lecter has complex motivations. "He doesn't just walk around killing random people and eating their livers, although that is something he has enjoyed from time to time with a nice bottle of wine. His victims are not nice people. Perhaps his greatest weakness is that he cares too much, and that he just wants us to be kind to one another." The White House did not make any official statements regarding the exact location of the proposed Hannibal Lecter memorial, but did praise the former member of the Baltimore Philharmonic Orchestra's board of directors. "To members of this administration, Hannibal Lecter has been a hero that deserves recognition," press secretary Karoline Leavitt revealed during a press conference held earlier today. "President Trump credits Lecter with helping him win the election so that he could save this country, which was a laughing stock under Joe Biden but is now highly respected around the world." Democratic leaders have raised concerns that honoring a prolific serial killer might send the wrong message, claiming that even very rude people shouldn't be executed and eaten regardless of how delicious the meal ends up tasting. James Lankford, the senior U.S. senator from Oklahoma and a big fan of Lecter's charcoal drawings of Florence, pushed back: This is a man who whose parents were blown up by Nazis, the German ones, when he was only eleven. He was academically gifted and earned a medical degree in France at a very young age before legally immigrating to America and becoming a successful psychiatrist. So he killed and ate a few people along the way. Who hasn't? The announcement of a physical memorial follows a proclamation signed by Trump in October to honor the psychiatrist's legacy. "Guided by steadfast prayer and unwavering fortitude and resolve, Lecter's journey has brought wisdom, philosophy, reason, and culture across the Atlantic into America - paving the way for the ultimate triumph of Western civilization: me and my victories in 2016, 2024, and don't forget 2020, which was rigged because I won by a lot, even in California," the proclamation reads. It also accuses "left-wing radicals" of tarnishing Lecter's character. "Under my leadership, those days are finally over - and our Nation will now abide by a simple truth: Hannibal Lecter was a true American hero, and every citizen is eternally indebted to his relentless determination and appetite for improving this country. Do you see what I did there? I said appetite because he eats people. We like to have fun. I've brought fun back, like I brought Christmas back. People are having fun and saying merry Christmas again," the president wrote. According to the anonymous source, the installation of Lecter's statue could happen "maybe even this month". He also said to make it very clear that he isn't JD Vance, and I think that I've done that. It would be the latest addition to the White House grounds, after the $400 million ballroom project and the solid gold above-ground swimming pool that was built on top of the former in-ground pool after it was filled in with concrete last year.