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London - For the first time since the technology was developed in 2012, gene editing using the CRISPR-Cas9 system has been used to successfully change the genome of a child born with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD). Bryce Sagemop, shown here several weeks after gene editing cured his pediatric asshole disorder being a bit of a douchebag "This has given us a chance to start over as a family," Lilly Sagemop, the former asshole child's mother, explained. "For the first time in my boy's life, I can look him without thinking there goes a monster that's half me, half his asshole father. Still, I worry about potential side effects" The CRISPR-Cas9 system allows for the editing of DNA in the vast majority of cell types in virtually all known organisms, even the Latvian river skink. According to Sir Monty Tushwhistle, a PAD researcher and clinical geneticist who conducted the trial near Oxford, the tool has created seemingly miraculous opportunities to cure genetic diseases. "By harnessing the cell's natural repair pathways, we inserted a new fragment of non-asshole DNA and, it appears, replaced a mutation with a healthy sequence that promotes a generally chill demeanor so that the patient can lead a normal life. An almost perfectly normal life. And so far, little Bryce appears to be doing great. He's doing just really, really great."

San Diego, CA - Being an asshole may not be obvious until a child is a toddler, but some surprising new evidence is emerging that may prove that the condition begins much earlier, even while a fetus is developing in the womb. An adult patient with chronic asshole disorder, shown here undergoing an invasive neural scraping procedure in the hopes of a cure Brain tissue obtained from patients with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD) who had died of unrelated causes has revealed patches of disorganization in the cortex, a thin sheet of cells critical for learning, memory, and not being a complete asshole. Researchers were unable to demonstrate the same findings in brain samples obtained from kids who weren't assholes. The results of the study were published this month in Harrumph! , a medical journal focused on the deal with kids these days. The organization of the brain, specifically in the cortex, begins early in pregnancy. According to Mort Fishman, a PAD researcher and co-author of the paper, disorganization in this region would have occurred well before the time that Republicans stop caring if the fetus lives or dies, which is currently around 24 weeks of gestation. "But, and I do want to be perfectly clear on this, parenting still plays a large role in PAD, especially the mother." The developing brain in children, in particular the cortex, is arranged in a series of layers, with each layer containing different types of cells. In assholes kids, there are areas in the layers that lose distinction because the pattern of cell specific to each layer isn't there. According to Fishman, this specific pattern of disorganization may be the key to why some toddlers are just awful, awful people and everybody hates them. Fishman, who is the director of the Institute for Asshole Science at the University of West Dakota in San Diego (IAS-UWDSD), believes that the findings add to a growing body of research on how genes control the development of the brain and play a role in PAD. "This tells us that perhaps initiating treatment early in childhood, when the brain has more potential to reorganize itself and circumvent impaired regions, might lead to improved outcomes and avoid the need for a surgical scraping of the cortex later in life. Maybe instead of an asshole, they'll just be really big jerks, and I think most of us can put up with that." Fishman and the researchers at IAS-UWDSD are asking for help. They need more brains from both asshole kids and normal toddlers who at most only occasionally annoy the shit out of people waiting in line at Costco. Which is where the public can truly make a difference. Unfortunately, parents of assholes don't typically agree to donate their child's brain to asshole science, probably because they themselves are assholes. Parents can donate their child's brain pretty much whenever, but the IAS-UWDSD prefers waiting until the child has died.

Harvard area, MA - New research performed near Harvard is baffling scientists all over the world according to one of them. Scientist Steve, shown here smiling in his science lab and probably about to say something really funny. Classic Steve! "I have to be honest and admit that none of us saw this coming...at all," Merrill Worcester explained. "Not even Steve. He was all like, "What...no way. Now that's a spicy meatball!" That's like Steve's catchphrase, and he does this stupid voice. Steve is hilarious." One of the most important aspects of high quality science is replication. A single result can be an outlier and should only rarely be the final word. Even the most dedicated scientist can make a mistake or be influenced by belief and bias, and some unusual findings can even come about based on chance alone. Which is why it's so weird that all these scientists are so confused by the whole thing. After taking some time to process the study's unexpected results, the research team is back at work on a new project aimed at replicating or falsifying them so that everyone will just chill the fuck out. According to Worcester, It's important to keep moving forward and to avoid being distracted by research that catches you off guard. "We are professional scientists and a fundamental aspect of what we do is...Steve, stop it! I'm talking to that reporter about the study. I know, right? That was nuts!" Not all research is the same. There are varying degrees of quality and some takes place far away from academic research facilities like Harvard, or even the warehouse that stores the servers for the Online Correspondence College of Tampa. Though she admits that skepticism is always the appropriate response to unexpected findings, Worcester is also quick to point out the proximity of her science lab to Harvard. "We are very close. In fact, if you look between those two buildings over there...yep, that's the on-ramp to the interstate and then it's just like 10 minutes to the campus. 45 with traffic."

Portland, ME - When Portland 5-year-old Tackle Lewinsky skips down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know it's time to pack up and head home. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs, digging holes in the sand, and telling stories with at least two events, is an asshole. Suffering from the most severe form of the condition, he is in fact a complete and total asshole . Lewinsky, shown here holding a bird and smiling just prior to really pissing off all the parents on the field trip by being an asshole. I mean, what the fuck kid? "He seemed like such a sweet baby at first," Tackle's mother Lurleen Lewinsky explained. "But now, I just look at him wonder where it all went so wrong. He could be sitting there quietly watching the Disney Channel, and he's still such an asshole...just like his father." Some experts, like Harvard area pediatric geneticist Marsha Collins, are raising serious concerns about labeling a child as young as Tackle with what many believe to be a chronic condition. "A child this age is still developing, and he looks to those around him for support and for social cues on how to behave. His brain is rapidly changing as new connections are being forged between neurons, and I've seen pediatric asshole cases improve to just being little shits sometimes. Being labeled like this could negatively influence his...wait, Tackle Lewinsky? Yeah, that kid is an asshole." Tackle, who is potty trained for the most part but still occasionally has nighttime accidents, can count to ten, and is able to hop on one foot, is just one of a growing population of asshole toddlers who think that we should all just stop whatever we're doing and pay attention to them. That's great, you found a shiny rock. Oh, you did your own buttons. Real damn cute. Assholes.

Jacksonville, FL- Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, particularly in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use modern toilets, a growing number of parents are turning to so-called alternative methods of potty training that they claim are more natural. A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training method, shown here developing learned helplessness and probably PTSD "It's easy to assume that a child requires a restrictive and regimented training method because they are small and uncoordinated, or because of their limited ability to communicate," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at Jacksonville's Freecheeks Potty Training and Functional Gastroenterology Center, explained. "And that's exactly what those ivory tower eggheads from Big Potty want you to believe. More savvy parents are now wisely considering a number of natural options, some of which have been used for thousands of years by both ancient Chinese and Native American societies, before simply going along with a conventional method that may not approach the process holistically." Pennock admits that the Freecheeks method, with its focus on the root cause of infantile incontinence rather than simply when and where a child pees and poops, isn't for every family. But she believes that it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their young children have to say about their own personal elimination functions and who are willing to pay cash for all the labs and imaging that their medical director orders. And according to her, the process couldn't be simpler as long as you do it exactly as recommended without exception. "You'll need a garden hose, enough newspaper to cover the floors of your house, and an intimately intuitive connection with your child's bladder and bowels ," Pennock revealed. "But what you won't need is any more diapers, as long as you do it right. The goal is absolute and unwavering compliance at all times. And to have fun!" Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterology expert and parent of five human children, isn't sold on what he considers unproven toilet training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not."

Near Harvard - After years of research into the root causes of poor aging across a wide variety of biopsychosocial dimensions, experts near Harvard are have published their top recommendations for maintaining good health deep into the later decades of life. An elderly man and woman, shown here not smoking or drinking alcohol while riding horses across their family estate "You've got to stay active," Lead researcher Belmont Pennington III explained. "Whether it's joining your local country club's water polo team or simply signing up for weekly tennis lessons with an ATP professional, maintaining an exercise routine is very important as we get older." Another key component of successful aging and improved longevity is keeping up with recommended healthcare screening and vaccinations. According to the the report, maintaining a close relationship with a medical home is an important first step. "We recommend seeking regular care from one or more of the world's leading medical experts, even if they don't accept insurance. Taking a private jet to Amsterdam to see a renowned physician for a routine physical can check several boxes all at once because it's also a perfect way to lower dementia risk by engage the mind through world travel."

Burbank, CA - Riding a record wave of profitable film releases, Warner Bros. Pictures, the American film studio and distribution arm of the Warner Bros. Motion Picture Group division of Warner Bros., both of which are owned by Warner Bros. Discovery, which itself is a minor subsidiary of Globodyne Industries , is hoping to extend the hot streak by expanding the popular Twister film franchise. A still from the upcoming Warner Bros. Television produced Tornadobots: Origins, an animated series that will serve as the foundation of the new TCU "We are looking at establishing the TCU, the Twister Cinematic Universe," Warner Bros. Pictures' co-chairs Michael De Luca and Pamela Abdy explained while taking turns saying each individual word. " Twister was a smash hit back in 1996 and Twisters did pretty damn good last year. We think that the world is ready for even more twisters. In fact, that's the name of the next movie." The Conjuring: This Time It's Probably Over , which released last week, marked the 7th straight Warner Bros. Pictures film to open with more than $40 million. According to De Luca and Abdy, the key to the future success of the TCU is variety and allowing directors to focus on their unique creative vision without too much interference from the studio. "We learned our lesson after Joker: Folie à Deux failed to meet expectations. That was our bad. Todd wanted to do a straightforward adult action-adventure film but we said no, incels love musicals. Make it a musical. And make it a love story for the ages."

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world last month, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like many parents, they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they were unable to locate their newborn son's USB port. Increasing numbers of perfectly acceptable but non-internet compatible newborns are being put up for adoption by late generation millennial and Gen Z parents "I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful," Mr. Rose explained while filming a video for TikTok. "But I don't know how I'm even going to interact with him. We're happy that he came out wireless, but there doesn't seem to be any way to access his features at all, just regular holes and an intermittent high pitched emission from what I think is its heat sink." The Roses aren't the only parents struggling to communicate with their new arrivals as they begin to have children. Having grown up with total immersion in post-internet life, many Zillennials, those late generation millennials and early Gen Z adults, are having difficulty grasping that their newborn is another human being rather than a new peripheral for their smart phone. Many physicians, like pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman , are being forced to adapt to parenting concerns that would have been unheard of just a few years ago. "They keep asking me what their baby's WiFi password is and how to set up a WPAN. But these little guys don't come with an instruction manual or a user agreement. That's good right? Use that one."

Boise, ID - According to a recent study, more men than ever are choosing natural prostate surgery without the use of anesthesia, pain medications, or other routine medical interventions. A man, shown here during a moment of quiet reflection one week after the removal of his prostate while under general anesthesia. Could he have done more? Is he a real man? What is his place in society if not at the head of the table? Will he be remembered as strong and brave? "A natural prostatectomy allows for men to play a more active role in their surgical process," Mort Fishman MD , Chief of Surgery for Men at St. Luke's Boise Medical Center, explained. "And nothing is more fulfilling for me than empowering men to feel stronger and more confident, which can even help them when it comes to facing other life challenges, from the boardroom to the bedroom. And a faster recovery means a faster return to positions of leadership in society." The survey, which was published in Online Publishing Module # 1: Health, Men's this week, without the use of drugs, male patients often feel more alert and connected to their bodies in new and exciting ways during the removal of an enlarged or cancerous prostate. According to Claire Green, a man doula who specializes in genitourinary surgeries, preparation is key and involves education, establishing a support structure, and focusing on relaxation and coping skills to manage surgical pain. "These champs really are rock stars! I'm always so proud of all my clients, and I really think that we should all be letting them know that we support them."

Washington, D.C. - The White House has announced plans to further update aging Liberty Island infrastructure that will now include the Statue of Liberty Museum, sculpture garden, and pedestrian walkways, as well as the construction of a giant husband to accompany the Statue of Liberty. A husbandless Statue of Liberty, overcome with loneliness and incapable of protecting America from giant monsters "This is turning out to be a really big project," National Park Service director Jessica Bowron explained. "In addition to the work already underway on the foundation for Lady Liberty, we will now be improving the lighting, refreshing the garden areas, and installing a 120-foot tall Mr. Liberty in keeping with President Trump 's Restoring Truth and Sanity to American History executive order." First announced in 2022, plans to rehabilitate the terreplein of the historic Fort Wood, which serves as the base for the statue, were to involve replacement of the stone walking surface, repair of masonry and structural issues on the exterior staircases and supporting slab, installation of a waterproof barrier, and correction of drainage problems. According to Bowron, the addition of a husband for the Statue of Liberty is long overdue and just makes sense from a historical perspective. "A single woman moving to America and supporting herself without the help of a husband? That didn't represent American family values in 1886 and it doesn't today." Though not officially involved in the planning, President Trump discussed his thoughts on the project with the press earlier today. Demonstrating a deep grasp of technology and a hopeful vision for the future, Trump hopes that the new statue will serve as a shining example of American ingenuity that will inspire future generations. "I'm guessing maybe robot. Maybe one that can fight robots from other countries if necessary. And of course we have to be ready for the kaiju."

Cincinnati, OH - Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the roll out of a new line of easy-to-use cleaning products geared towards medical spa-grade detoxification in the comfort of your own home. Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment. "We've spent nearly two hundred years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble CEO Jon Moeller explained. "And these new products, like the Swiffer Steamboost's enema attachment or our disposable wet and dry detox cloths, are going to take cleaning at home to a new level!" Since 1999, the Swiffer brand has been a symbol of innovative, effective, and effortless cleaning at a reasonable price that is now sold in countries around the world and worth half a billion dollars. The secret behind their new products, according to Moeller, is the power of electrostatic attraction combined with the use of a specialized detox solution: Not everyone has the time or budget for a professional colon cleanse or a lymphatic massage. With the Steamboost enema attachment, you can shoot this stuff up your own ass and let the solution do all the work while you binge Love Island . And a quick rubdown with one of our detox pads absorbs toxins straight through the skin, leaving you fresh and clean to your core. Just like the floors in your house can become caked with grime and covered in dust and pet hair, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste. Mort Fishman, a Doctor of Household Naturopathy, revealed that we live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier food ingredients, like seed oils and electromagnetic gluten. "Now my patients don't have to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats." Proctor & Gamble is sticking with their highly successful "razor and blades" business model when it comes to the new line of products. For example, customers will need to purchase the reusable enema attachment for the Steamboost and then a fresh gallon of the Swiffer ColoCleanse solution for each use. Moeller recommends a deep cleaning of the enema attachment between each use and to stick to one unit per customer.

Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of the ancient Chinese needle-based therapy known as acupuncture are rejoicing after the publication of a study investigating its use in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds. Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here being used on a healthy 25-year-old man with a headache to prevent total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by a few seconds after taking a knife to the carotid artery "We compared ear acupuncture plus usual care to usual care alone in patients with severe knife wounds to the neck," lead researcher at the University of New Mexico's Center for Studies, Dr. Mort Fishman , explained. "Though the subjects ultimately all died, there was an intriguing statistical trend towards slower death in the acupuncture group." The study, which was published this week in Online Publishing Module # 37,211 - Critical Care Acupuncture , involved a randomized convenience sample of subjects with deep neck wounds treated in the University of New Mexico Hospital's Center for Life's Integrative Emergency Medicine Pavilion. According to Dr. Fishman, choosing the right acupuncture points to use was key to the methodological rigor of the study. "We focused on ancient Chinese texts dating back 5,000 years and determined that the ear acupuncture points corresponding to general neck health and also blood vessel integrity were the most likely to yield positive results." An extremely complicated statistical analysis that only highly intelligent people can understand, shown here almost proving that acupuncture might probably kind of work sometimes maybe "None of the results were statistically significant in the study," Fishman revealed. "Still, we've got a really good feeling about this. More research is definitely needed." In addition to the primary outcome of how long it took for subjects to bleed to death, researchers also looked at a number of very interesting secondary outcomes with the help of top statisticians from the North Albuquerque Space Administration (NASA) like Chief of Complementary and Alternative Mathematics (CAM) Allyson Sanders. "After running the data through complicated algorithms with our most powerful graphing calculators, we were shocked to find that subjects in the acupuncture group were a bit less sweaty and also scored slightly higher on a behavioral observation non-verbal patient satisfaction scale administered prior to death. I just got goosebumps."