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Near Harvard - Experts in the scientific study of the body language of fossilized remains of early humans have announced the results of an analysis of the Altamura Man, one of the most complete Paleolithic skeletons ever discovered and the source of the oldest sample of Neanderthal DNA. Neanderthal remains found in Kebara, Israel in 1983 reveal a man with crossed arms and a head slumped forward who lacked self-esteem in social situations and was probably hiding a dark secret "We are talking about a body language sample that is somewhere between 128,000 and 187,000 years old," evolutionary body language analyst Jolene Stamp explained. "It's like looking through a clear window into the past, and it has allowed us to develop a much more complex understanding of the lives of this closely related cousin to modern humans." Body language analysis is the scientific investigation of the use of body motion as a means of communication. This can involve posture, gesture, stance, and movement, and is often controlled subconsciously. According to Stamp, who first achieved widespread recognition in the field when she determined that Otzi, the 5,300-year-old Copper Age human, was insecure and a bit standoffish, the results of the analysis are nothing short of revolutionary. "They lived complex lives, but lives that modern humans can relate to. Take the curling forward of his shoulders. He was looking to signal comfort and to create a sense of warmth. He's giving sincerity. He's giving party at my house after the hunt."

Boston, MA - When man first began to desire the elegant and professional look of a smooth and hairless face, this required the use of a sharpened shell or perhaps a crude copper instrument. Over the millennia, we have developed an increasingly powerful array of pogonotomical technologies, allowing humanity to creep closer and closer to the evolutionary pinnacle of facial aesthetics: the perfect shave. Recent discoveries, such as the Nobel prize winning Gillette Lubrastrip, water-activated and infused with vitamin E and aloe for less skin irritation, and the incorporation of a 5th blade into the Gillette Fusion shaving system, have truly taken shaving into the 21st century. A man, shown here shaving while blissfully unaware of the potential to destroy everyone and everything he has ever cared about with each smooth stroke of the Gillette Cosmos razor Today, thanks to the wonders of both methodological and metaphysical naturalism, we live in a world where the raw and bloody face associated with using razors with only one or even three blades is a long-forgotten nightmare. In fact, pioneering companies like Gillette have pushed the envelope beyond what would seem ethical, essentially playing God with the human face, and have achieved the impossible, not only in harnessing the might of 5 blades but also powerful and mysterious micropulses that reduce facial friction to improve razor glide. They are close to ensuring that the next generation of shavers will be the first to live their entire lives never needing to endure the horrors of razor burn or embarrassing afternoon stubble. But some researchers, concerned about the potential global impact of increasingly advanced shaving technologies in the pipeline, are beginning to question a seemingly reckless pursuit of closer and closer shaves. "It isn't right and somebody needs to put a stop to it," retired nuclear safety officer Walter Wagner explained. "Right now, the only thing standing between the consumer and total facial annihilation is my tireless efforts in the courts." What Wagner is referring to is the latest advancement in shaving, only recently revealed by scientists at the Gillette research and development center in South Boston. According to Alfred Stubble, the company's head of grooming technology, the plan was for more than merely an incremental advance. "We considered a softer and more comfortable grip. We considered a sixth blade. Either would have certainly revolutionized shaving and been a lock for another Nobel, but they pale in comparison to what we eventually came up with. This is really going to knock your socks off, and there is really almost no chance that it will melt your face off or destroy the planet if used properly." Due to hit store shelves next month, the Gillette Cosmos will make use of the latest advances in particle physics with its Quantaglide enhancement to the iconic Lubrastrip as well as an ingenious way of boosting the effectiveness of the razor's 5 blades. Stubble, who asked that we not make a big deal about his last name, emphasized a key three-step process. "With the addition of a layer of microscopic black holes to the Lubrastrip, and a proprietary number of strangelets to the blades, even the toughest beards will be gently lifted away from the face and then utterly destroyed by a catastrophic chain reaction that fundamentally restructures each hair into strange quark matter. And then you have to put the protective cover back on right away. I simply can't stress that enough." Not satisfied with reassurances from Gillette, Wagner is asking for the courts to intervene. "We are requesting a few months to investigate, and to better understand the risks involved." he revealed. "Black holes and strangelets being that close to the human face may have some nasty consequences. The attractive and destructive powers of these forces of nature may bring about the end of unwanted facial hair, but they might leave a trail of bloody headless corpses in their wake. And if just one is placed down on the counter without that cover, well let's just say that none of us will need to worry about shaving ever again."

Washington, D.C. - As the astronauts of NASA's Artemis II mission near completion of their epic and inspirational journey to the moon and back, the first in over 50 years, conservative scientists are heralding the accomplishment as definitive proof of the Trumpiocentric model of the cosmos. President Trump's drawing of a proposed Orion spacecraft, which Lockheed Martin engineers relied heavily on during the design process "This is something that we have long suspected to be an unassailable aspect of creation," Gerald Honeycutt, White House Director of Fundamental Astrotheology and Chief Advisor to the Department of Trumpian Apologetics, explained. "To be able to return to the Earth from so far away requires an immensely powerful attractive force. There is simply no other explanation that makes sense. The science is clear, and the science points directly at the president." Returning from deep space is certainly a challenge. According to Honeycutt, a former hedge fund manager who donated $30 million to President Trump's reelection campaign, the hardest part will come during the final 13 minutes before splashdown in the Pacific Ocean near San Diego. "Imagine plummeting towards the Earth at almost 25,000 miles per hour with just a sliver of a heat shield protecting you from a 5,000 degree inferno. Now imagine that without the love and support of President Trump's all-knowing and all-powerful nature." President Trump has expressed supreme confidence in his ability to bring the astronauts home safely. In a televised address to the nation earlier this week, the president discussed the complexities of the final stage of the mission. "All the systems are important. Life support, navigation, propulsion, person, camera, TV. And none of it could have happened without the use of my drawings."

Washington, D.C. - A new survey conducted by the the United States Departments of Agriculture and Health and Human Services has revealed a significant decrease in the number of Americans claiming to understand the current dietary guidelines that they have no intention of ever following. The discontinued MyPlate visual guide for healthy eating, shown here thinking it's better than us with its complex geometrical shapes and, is that a fork? Don't tell me how to eat my food Michelle Obama! "This is an extremely worrisome trend," USDA secretary Brooke Rollins explained. "The updated guidelines for 2025 to 2030 were designed to be healthier than ever before, but also easier for people to wrap their heads around. That's why our visual guide is just a triangle, the simplest polygon, to avoid angering real Americans. Wait, is it the upside down thing? I told Bobby that was stupid." Now that's a representation of dietary guidelines that makes sense. I'm not going to follow it, but I get what it's saying. No ethnic food. The updated dietary guidelines, which were introduced in January, replaced the outdated MyPlate visual guide that had been ignored by Americans since it was first introduced in 2011. According to Mort Fishman, an endocrinologist that focuses on obesity management, MyPlate was a disaster from day one. "It was a mess. It had circles, curvilinear triangles with one convex side, and a fork. A fucking fork. People weren't just confused, they were angry." The survey, published this week in Online Publishing Module # 568,449: Asking Random People Stuff , revealed that more than 90% of Americans would not feel confident in their ability to intelligently discuss the new dietary guidelines at a social gathering, such as an office holiday party or while waiting in the checkout line at a TJ Maxx. The authors recommended moving to a simpler format for a visual guide in the future. "We think that a straight line would work best, although that could be a bit pretentious. Maybe a pile. Just a pile of food. Americans like piles."

New York - Hitting newsstands last week, the latest edition of Maxim Science , a popular science magazine for men, revealed the highly anticipated results of their controversial annual listing of the world's sexiest and least sexy human organs. A young Sydney Sweeney, shown here just prior to becoming lodged in the gears of a wheat thresher, would become a major advocate for spleen health Coming in as the least sexy human organ, according to the experts at Maxim Science , the "spleen is the least sexy organ in a group of very unsexy organs from both a functional point of view and objective assessments of the physical characteristics." They further explain that the unfashionable and hopelessly unhip mass of lymphoid tissue is pivotal in cleaning up old or diseased red blood cells and plays a key role in the immune system's ability to fight off microbial predators. But, says Mort Fishman, a hematologist practicing near Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who participated in the ranking, the spleen is "so last decade it's not even funny!" As the list has made its way around the scientific community over the past few days, defenders of the maligned organ, present in the abdominal cavity of most humans and many animal species, have been speaking out. Sydney Sweeney, an American actress and part-time faculty member of University of California at Irvine's Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy department who lost her spleen after a tragic encounter with a wheat thresher as a young child growing up in an agricultural commune near Spokane, has expressed outrage over the magazine's list, and concern over the potential negative health consequences. "Does the spleen fit the ideals and standard of a group of researchers writing in a men's science magazine? Maybe not," the Madame Web star explained. "Is it really the least sexy organ in the entire world? Wow! It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. I can't help but worry what might happen if people start neglecting their spleen health in favor of more glamorous but less important organs." The listing of the world's least sexy human organs was accompanied by the science magazine's unveiling of their annual sexiest organ rundown. Not surprising to many experts, and longtime readers, repeating with top honors was the vagina, followed by the breasts. Making the list for the first time this year, the gallbladder came in third.

America - A huge question is apparently on the minds of millions of Americans after President Trump revealed an architectural rendering of plans for the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library earlier this week, and they are turning to the internet for answers. A rendering of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library revealed to the nation earlier this week "It looks amazing," 3-time Trump voter Amber Trusk, a retired nurse who has lived in Tampa for the past thirty years, explained. "I've watched the video a bunch of times and love how patriotic it is with the red, white, and blue tower on top and the military planes in the lobby by that golden escalator. But I didn't even know what a library was until I looked it up today, and to be honest I'm still a bit confused." The two-minute video released by the president showed a skyscraper towering over the Miami skyline and emblazoned with Trump's last name and an American flag. According to Republican Party of Florida Chairman Evan Power, despite the fact that Trump mentioned the library many times during his first term and campaign for reelection, many supporters are looking into the project for the first time. "Trump supporters aren't stupid. We are curious people who love to learn about new things. Is it books? It's a place where they keep books? But who are they keeping them from?" Google Searches for the term "library" have exploded after the release of the video, as have related questions like "what library do?", "books what?", and "library porn?", with a more than 1500 percent increase in predominantly Republican districts. Power believes that this is just another example of the president's ability to bring people together. "Trump is, in a way, a lot like a library himself. Mysterious, but also powerful. Just like a library. Right?"

Washington, D.C. - According to an inside source from within the White House that is not J.D. Vance, President Trump will be announcing a revolutionary opportunity for all Americans to find financial blessings during a planned prime time address to the nation. President Trump, shown here explaining to a crowd of followers that the "Blessings Cloth" found on every seat was anointed with oil from his very own sweat glands and will open the way to prosperity both during and after his administration "This is a simple yet incredibly powerful way to find wealth and happiness," the anonymous source explained while sitting in front of a bookshelf filled with copies of Hillbilly Elegy . "By proclaiming out loud, 'whatever I tell President Trump that I am, President Trump makes me that and give me everything that belongs to who I say I am', our President will bless you with health, happiness, love, success, prosperity, and money." If true, this unprecedented opportunity will be a first in American history. According to historian historian Hester Cove, no historian has had an opportunity to put a presidential financial blessing into the context of history. "Going back to the earliest days of recorded history, I can't find a single example of a historian having anything to say about something like this, which is pretty remarkable. In fact, that makes me the first. Imagine that. Hester Cove, the historian who made history." "The plan, as President Trump will explain to the American public, is simple," Vance whispered quietly in my ear so nobody else in line for the Roaming Coyote taco truck could hear. "Just send whatever you can afford, and it will be returned with interest as long as you have enough faith in the president. Even if you have to borrow it from a friend or family member. And you'll get some free gifts in addition to all the money that will be coming your way." According to the inside source, these gifts will consist of a powerful audio recording of the president that will condition your mind for overflowing abundance and magnetize you for more love, good health, happiness, success, and money. "You'll get, also for free, Trump's incredible new book, Brainmetrics , that shows you how to use your God-given mind power to attract everything you want in life. Plus, you'll get his seven-lesson e-mail course that teaches Trump's secrets and techniques for overcoming negative conditions preventing you from creating the good life you desire."

The evidence presented in this documentary has convinced me that I was wrong about Bigfoot. It doesn't exist. It never did. I regret the years wasted chasing a fantasy and I apologize for all the times I made friends and family uncomfortable while trying to make them believe in a myth based on flimsy anecdotes and pseudoscience. I was a fool. As a new dawn breaks, I see the world through fresh eyes and with a clear and open mind. I can't help but wonder what other firm beliefs I have held based more on emotion and wishful thinking than on evidence and reason. Thurl Jameson, shown here truly enjoying a walk in the forest for the first time in decades and right before deciding to reconnect with his estranged daughter Former Bigfoot believer Thurl Jameson, admitting that he was wrong about the existence of Bigfoot after watching the documentary Capturing Bigfoot , which presented new footage revealing the 1967 Patterson-Gimlin film to be a hoax.

Port Orange, FL - Shocking the scientific community today, and perhaps taking the first steps towards a new theory on the history of human evolution, chiropractic paleoanthropologists working at the Institute of Chiropaleoanthropological Studies (ICS) announced the discovery of several vertebral subluxation complexes in the well-known Kebara 2 and Shanidar 3 Neanderthal spine specimens. The Kebara 2 specimen, shown here riddled with chiropractic subluxations, would probably be alive today if they had access to a good chiropractor "This report is the culmination of several months of painstakingly detailed research," chiropaleoanthropologist and lead researcher Frank Grimes explained. "Not only did our highly trained team of experienced field chiropractors employ gentle palpation of the spine in each of the two sets of fossilized remains in order to diagnose each lesion, but the specimens were also further analyzed by full spinal x-rays, surface and infrared electromyography, thermal scanning, leg length measurements, and that thing where we hold babies upside down for some reason. We didn't want to leave anything up to chance." After a consensus vote confirmed their findings, the team set out to explain why the C-4, C-6, T-2, T-8, L-4, and L-5 vertebrae were affected in the two Neanderthals. Weeks of frustration and several hypothetical dead ends led to the involvement of Arthur Fernandez, a chiropractor who specializes in the science of Applied Kinesiology. This would prove to be a key component of the unraveling of this prehistoric mystery. Applied Kinesiology is a cutting-edge diagnostic tool rooted in precise muscle testing as a means of assessing a patient's structural, chemical, and emotional health. According to Fernandez, who chose to specialize in the scientific discipline after a chiropractor uncovered a connection between his occasional headaches and a molybdenum deficiency by measuring the strength of his iliocostalis lumborum muscle before and after sticking his hand into a bucket of lentils, Applied Kinesiology was developed in the 1960s by Dr. George Goodheart. "He discovered the concept that specific muscles correspond to particular organs or body systems. Testing muscle strength or weakness when exposed to certain stimuli or interventions helps to identify imbalances, dysfunctions, and deficiencies." Dr. Fernandez, shown here assessing the strength of an elephant's back muscles, would go on to diagnose it with Wi-Fi intolerance and a depressed gallbladder "Chiropractors aren't used to working with patients that are already dead," Fernandez revealed. "But we do take care of children, animals, and sometimes trees or sturdy bushes. When I realized the connection, the similar inability of both dead people and infants or circus elephants to talk, it hit me...hard. Surrogate testing was the answer." Using the chiropractor's intuition built up over decades of clinical practice and three weekend seminars at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark, Fernandez placed his hands on a segment of Neanderthal spine and tested his own muscle strength while holding a variety of vials holding substances potentially toxic to Neanderthal physiology: When I noticed that my arm felt weak as soon as I grasped the bottle of mercury, I couldn't help but think of the irony. The very same substance that has damaged so many young children after routine vaccinations also used to wreak havoc on this ancient population of monkey-human hybrids." With a diagnosis and an etiology in hand, the team from ICS decided to go public with their findings. And though they are all just very excited about the potential for future discoveries, team leader Grimes has unearthed a more melancholic interpretation. "Just thinking about how an entire species was wiped off the face of the Earth because chiropractic healing techniques were discovered 30,000 years too late is a little unsettling. I'd hate to see the same thing happen to us."

Leverkusen, Germany - Bayer, one of the largest pharmaceutical and biotechnology companies in the world, is partnering with Crumbl Cookies in an attempt to improve their public image and win over Gen Z consumers . Jessie Buckley, shown here in an upcoming commercial for Apple Blossom Roundup ® Dual Action Weed and Grass Killer "We took a real hit to our reputation after the Monsanto merger," Bayer CEO Bill Anderson explained. "I think that a collaboration with Crumbl not only just makes sense from a PR perspective for us, but it's also pretty clear that young people are going to be excited to learn about our products, especially the Roundup line. You still shouldn't drink any of it, but now it's going to smell just like fresh baked apple pie." Bayer, which was founded in 1863 in Barmen, Germany as a partnership between dye salesman Friedrich Bayer and dyer Johann Friedrich Weskott, quickly transitioned from producing dyes to other areas. According to Gen Z historian Beckley Finch, Bayer became particularly successful the late 19th century after the development of Aspirin, a revolutionary wonder drug used to treat pain, fever, and inflammation. "No cap, Aspirin was high-key dank. It just hit different at the time and lived rent free in a lot of people's heads. And it made Bayer some guap." Bayer is one of the most iconic brands in the world, but Gen Z doesn't seem to have noticed. Rather than just effective treatment of pain or allergy symptoms, or fewer weeds in their lawn, they look for a more sensory and interactive trend-driven experience from products and services. Bayer was looking for something that would grab Gen Z attention and encourage active engagement. "Crumbl is the social sweet spot for Gen Z," Crumbl CEO Jason McGowan revealed. "That might sound like a joke coming from a cookie company, but we consistently go viral for a reason. Anticipation is baked into the process at every step of our flavor-inspired drop events, which are glazed with fan-driven hype across social media. These kids are obsessed, and honestly our cookies don't even need to be any good at this point. Most of them are just raw dough patties covered in candy with a picture of a celebrity on the box." Celebrity endorsements will play a key role in the Bayer-Crumbl partnership. Crumbl has often turned to collaboration with high-profile celebrities in order to promote their cookies. McGowan says that there is an art to finding the right pairing. "The Chappell Roan's Pink Pony Club ® Cracker Cookie was a huge hit, but the Jessie Buckley's Hamnet & Cheddar Savory Biscuits just didn't connect with our core fans for a number of reasons that seem obvious in hindsight. But that's what keeps this job interesting."

Washington, D.C. - NASA is reaching out to reassure the world that their development of giant robot space spiders will not threaten organic life here on Earth, and they seem pretty confident about it. A team of NASA engineers, shown here removing the remotely accessible "kill switch" from a spidernaut after it promised to never subjugate mankind "We would like to reassure all Americans, and the global community, that there is almost no chance that an army of self-replicating robot spiders with artificial intelligence indistinguishable from true sentience is planning to wipe out all organic life in the galaxy." NASA engineer Ernie Bretson explained during a press conference on Friday. "The robot spiders were designed to help us and have almost certainly not developed an obsession with harvesting the mineral resources found throughout our planet. It is a passing interest at most." Developed as extra-vehicular robots at NASA's Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center, these "spidernauts", as they have asked to be called, were initially designed to assemble solar arrays on the moon. One of their key capabilities, however, thanks to recent advances in artificial intelligence and an unforeseen evolution of new traits and skills, is the ability to work as a team independent from human control and to self-determine which actions best suit their prime directive to reduce human suffering through whatever means necessary. Using their multiple legs, spidernauts can climb across space platforms with ease while also maintaining an ability to violently grab hold of soft, fleshy objects or penetrate metal with their leg-mounted laser welding cannons. The spider robots are apparently eager to learn all about their human creators. According to NASA administrator Coop Anderson, these robots are even beginning to show signs of human tendencies towards reason, compassion, and a keen focus on highly advanced weaponry. "You know, I was a bit skeptical when this project first got off the ground, but these gentle giants are true examples of the power of human scientific ingenuity. They actually volunteered to run the computer simulations we used to show that they would never rely on the chemical components of the human body to produce energy. In fact, I would say that the likelihood we will become their primary fuel source is low. Lowish."

Louisiana will redirect its large fleet of emergency pirogues from humanitarian efforts in Greenland to the Strait of Hormuz tout de suite in order to help President Trump ranger all dat gradoo. Governor Landry, shown here with a squad from the Louisiana National Guard preparing to ship out to Iran in that pirogue they borrowed from Bubba Comeaux's uncle T-Jim in Mamou Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry overheard while waiting on a fried oyster po-boy in the parking lot of Sammy's Grill over on Highland Road on Tuesday.