Bristol, CT - It's a tale as old as time in the world of competitive sports. Your favorite team is on a winning streak, or the player you idolize has a hot hand and is scoring basket after basket, when suddenly it all falls apart. The momentum that had built up quickly dissipates and they never recover. But is the phenomenon of momentum truly a factor that positively influences individuals and teams, or is it just superstition? A professional baseball player, shown here demonstrating a .3 mg/L decrease in momentum after swinging on a 3-0 count with the bases loaded The results of a comprehensive study of the affect of momentum on outcomes in sports competitions, published this week in Online Publishing Module #8,939, appear to confirm the popular belief that momentorrhea, the excessive loss or discharge of momentum, is useful in predicting a negative outcome for a specific team or individual. "We've suspected that relative momentum levels are a major determinant in both individual statistics and team wins and losses for decades," sports scientist Lamarcus Brand explained. "But we also used to think that the ratio of games worn to consecutive victories predicted how lucky a pair of socks are, and now we all have egg on our faces. In science, you follow the data, not the feelings." The study, which involved the prospective analysis of serum momentum levels in competing teams and individual participants in nearly 200 elite sporting events, from baseball to Olympic painting, looked specifically at the role of momentum loss in both performance and outcomes. They found that teams suffering momentorrhea during a competition lost without exception, and that poor individual performance was a near ubiquitous result. According to Brand, who also provides color commentary for PBA events on ESPN 2, the study should serve as a future template for scientific examination of anecdote driven beliefs in sports. "We took a Bayesian approach, reevaluating momentum levels in light of the outcome. It's more complicated, but it's ultimately a much more satisfying way of interpreting the data."

Washington, D.C. - Despite recent legal setbacks regarding his attempt to take control of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, President Trump is moving forward with plans to play a larger role in the management of the Smithsonian National Zoo. President Trump, shown here yelling at reporters during a recent press conference, continues to deny reports that he was secretly replaced by a proboscis monkey due to dementia concerns "This is simply another attempt to put his personal stamp on the nation's capital," National Zoo director Brandie Smith explained. "Changing the name to the Trump National Zoo is bad enough, but what he wants us to do with some of our animals is just wrong. It's RFK Jr. level stuff." Trump, a businessman with decades of experience putting his name on things, like buildings, airplanes, steaks, and bankruptcy filings, is making his takeover of the National Zoo a top priority. According to Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Trump will sign an executive order this week stating that all of the animals in the zoo's two facilities will serve at the pleasure of the President. "The lions, the orangutans, the meerkats, and whatever Pumba was. They work for him now. All of them." After several assassination attempts since Trump's inauguration last year, the White House is promoting his plans to assume control of the National Zoo as an urgent security concern. Wiles says that protecting the President, as well as key members of his administration, is extremely important, but adds that it isn't the only objective. "Yes, lions will be patrolling the White House Grounds. Yes, the bunker being built underneath the ballroom will have a tank full of those dolphins that can detect underwater mines. But he is definitely going to be riding a lot of the animals too. Because, at the end of the day, the President is a kid at heart and has absolutely not been replaced by a monkey."

One of the goals of the MAHA movement is to improve the health of all Americans, especially those requiring emergency or inpatient care, and requiring hospitals to reduce added sugars in intravenous fluids and to make the change from dextrose to natural cane sugar is an important step. RFK Jr., shown here laser-focused on improving the health of all Americans and definitely not thinking about what a whale vagina looks like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., while speaking to a crowd of shoppers outside of a Piggly Wiggly in Dewitt, Arkansas during a recent stop on his Wheels Across America: MAHA on the Move road trip.

Omaha, NE - Despite maintaining its position as the world's 5th most important cereal Crop after rice, wheat, maize, and barley, with almost 60 million metric tons of global production each year, sorghum has once again ranked dead last in popularity among American kids aged 10 to 12 years according to a recent poll. A non-threatening group of multi-ethnic American children between the ages of 9 and 13 years, shown here eating food in bowls, probably free-range organic sprouted tapioca or some shit "We just can't win with these kids," United Sorghum Checkoff Program (USCP) CEO Tim Lust explained. "It's like they don't even care that 3.5 ounces of quality American sorghum grain contains more than 20% of the recommended daily intake of several B vitamins and dietary minerals, or that it is a delicious gluten-free option for couscous, porridge, flatbreads, tortillas, even popcorn and birthday cake. Fucking birthday cake!" The American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI), a survey that assesses attitudes toward various grains, as well as frequency of use, is sent to all American households through the United States Postal Serviced every five years. Thousands of house-to-house survey workers are also used to help increase the number of completed responses. This marks the fourth time in a row that sorghum has come in last in popularity in this demographic. Since it's inception in 2008, the USCP has worked to help U.S. sorghum farmers communicate with consumers about the value of sorghum as a healthy and versatile grain. They have invested millions of dollars into improving the grain's image, focusing on impressing younger generations in order to establish lifelong loyalty to sorghum and sorghum-based products. This has included celebrity endorsements from Hollywood A-listers like Anne Hathaway and Adrien Brody as well as attempts at guerrilla marketing, even staging the leak of a phony sex tape involving Idris Elba and a bowl of sorghum porridge. Stunts like the phony sex tape, or the time they mailed unlabeled bags of sorghum flour to government offices across the country, have left many analysts confused as to how this would improve popularity among children. Some experts, like public relations consultant Alyson Ambergris, believe that "Big Sorghum" needs to reconsider its marketing approach. "They just keep digging a deeper hole when it comes to public sentiment. Sorghum is never going to catch up to buckwheat. It's never going to catch up to millet, spelt, or even quinoa, which is technically a seed. They can't even compete with a fucking seed at this point!" Earth-Subprime's Senator Marmot Ozymandius, shown here in 2028 proposing legislation that would make sorghum the official grain of the United Confederacy of Boebert Ambergris recommends focusing on an even younger demographic because tweens these days are cynical bastards who don't care that sorghum is an important component of animal feeds or in ethanol production. She adds that these little shits don't give two craps that sorghum is a water-smart, climate-resilient crop that conserves precious natural resources and is well-adapted to heat and drought. "You get Ms. Rachel to sing a song about sorghum pancakes to some dumbass toddlers and you'll get a generation of sorghum fans that will never settle for anything else."

Lakeville, MN - Post Consumer Brands, the company behind popular cereals like Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, and Cinnacoated Sugarblast Fiber Boulders, has announced a new addition to their product line that was designed to help men with erectile dysfunction. Post Holdings, Inc. chairman and CEO William P. Stiritz, shown here proudly erect at a 2019 award ceremony "When people are eating a bowl of cereal, they typically aren't thinking about problems in the bedroom," Post Holdings, Inc. chairman and CEO William P. Stiritz explained. "But eating a bowl of Raisin Bran Intimates with a partner may be just the thing to get that important conversation started. That's what I think anyway, if you want one old man's opinion on the subject." Post cereals have been helping early risers start their day for more than a century. Stiritz, who had his first erection at Spencer's General Store in Jasper, Arkansas in 1947 because of a Betty Grable poster, and has served as chairman and CEO of Post Holdings, Inc. since 2011, feels that the time is right to focus on helping men who have difficulty rising at night. "If we help even one man achieve a harder and longer lasting erection, then it will have all been worth it." "For 30 million American adult men, the ability to achieve an engorged and enlarged penis when desired is elusive," Mort Fishman, a medical consultant for Post, explained. "A successful erection is the result of a complex interplay of psychology, neurology, vascular health, and endocrine factors, and this cereal is a delicious part of a complete erectile dysfunction treatment plan." Raisin Bran Intimates comes in two flavors: Banana Blast and Honey Drizzle. Each is packed with ingredients that support a naturally powerful erection. According to Stiritz, men deserve a good erection. "This is the first read-to-eat cereal specially designed to support penis health, and it is made with wholesome ingredients like B vitamins, dehydroepiandrosterone, and an herbal blend of flavonoids and terpenoids from Ginkgo biloba, adaptogens from Asian ginseng root, and PDE5 inhibitors from horny goat weed. And with 8 grams of fiber per serving, men will have satisfying bowel movements as well as an erection they can be proud of." Raisin Bran Intimates can be found at grocery stores nationwide in the adult cereal aisle and behind the counter at most gas stations.

Near Silicon Valley - According to a number of experts in the field of predicting future advancements in technology trends, quantum artificial intelligence, known as QAI, is going to be the next big thing. Futurist Albus Macklemore, shown here using a prototype quantum computer to order beans from Costco faster than any human in history "Quantum mechanics is a simple concept that I have a complete grasp of," technology futurist Albus Macklemore explained. "When combined with artificial intelligence, that's like putting computing power on steroids, and then cocaine. It'll really knock your socks off." The concept of quantum computing emerged late last century when physicist Richard Feynman proposed the idea of using quantum mechanics to make computers that could teach women how to drive. According to Feynman in one of his many published scholarly papers on the subject, he was looking for something simple that pretty much everyone could understand: The foundation for quantum computing uses the principles of quantum mechanics, including superposition and entanglement, to perform complex computations. Imagine a computer on steroids. Now imagine giving that computer some kind of powerful stimulant. Yes, I suppose cocaine would do the trick. A decade later, the development of quantum algorithms for factoring large numbers demonstrated the potential for quantum computing to solve problems faster than standard computers, even the one in the town library and certainly faster than the one we have in the basement of the recreation center at my retirement village. These advancements encouraged other scientists to explore the intersection of quantum computing and AI in the hope of creating a computer program with sentience, because they were lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Someone with the potential to kill us all one day. This century gave us the establishment of quantum artificial intelligence clubs so that all the lonely men could sit together in rooms and hack into voting machines in liberal districts and talk about how hiring women and black people is destroying America. This initiative aimed to pioneer research on how quantum computing could make machines smarter and pornography look more like their favorite celebrity or their ex-girlfriends. But there was a catch: the environment was too comfortable and it had to be destroyed, and we had to go to Mars. At around the same time, researchers began developing quantum machine learning algorithms, which leveraged quantum computing to improve the speed and accuracy of AI models. This shifted the focus towards practical applications of QAI, like when Mr. Beast did a giant game of minesweeper using real people, and real mines. Also launching missiles into schools full of brown children in other countries. Companies at the forefront of this research are now exploring hybrid architectures that combine quantum and classical computing. For example, current research investigates the use of quantum synergy for optimization of enigma gate models for universal applications like machine overlording using a quantum human subjugation matrix. Quantum artificial intelligence is the future of computing. It is the future of everything. It is inevitable.

Washington, D.C. - The results of the first White House Mathematical Olympiad (WHMO) are in, and the winner by a significant margin is President Donald Trump. Trump, shown here deep within his Mind Palace discovering the hidden connection between all prime numbers, thus unlocking a vast array of new advances in number theory and cryptography "This is the most prestigious mathematical competition ever held at the White House," Chief of Staff Susie Wiles explained. "The President blew us all away with his command of numbers, shapes, patterns, quantities, and identifying pictures of animals. That last one isn't math so much but everyone was still very impressed with his encyclopedic knowledge of animal flashcards for toddlers." The WHMO is a mathematical competition for White House staff and members of the Trump administration, including the Vice President, heads of the fifteen executive departments, and several cabinet-level advisors. According to Geraldine Grogan, Chief of Math at the Dunkin' Institute for the Study of Numbers, the questions ranged from extremely difficult algebra and pre-calculus problems to complex theoretical mathematics typically only taught in advanced post-graduate level courses. "It had projective and complex geometry, functional equations, combinatorics, and well-grounded number theory. There was even one about the recently confirmed biggest number that I discovered in 2024." The exact questions involved in the WHMO have not been revealed, but there is reason to believe that they truly are as tough as Grogan described. I spoke to an anonymous source who had participated in the contest and provided the following insight. Towards the end, like, they had a question like, 'pick a number, sir, any number.' Okay. 203. 'Multiply by 9. Divide by 2. Add on 1,324. Subtract 1,292. Sir, multiply it out one more time by 19. What is the answer, sir?' I got it right. And the one doctor said, 'I've been doing this test for twenty years and I've never seen anybody ace it.' One of the principles baked into the newly established annual event is that anyone with a basic understanding of mathematics should understand the problems, even if actually providing a solution would involve more advanced skills. Wiles, who placed fifth after Trump, Melania, Don Jr., and Eric, says that participants needed more than just the correct answer to do well. "We wanted universality and an incentive to find elegant, deceptively simple problems that required more than a bit of thinking outside the box to get full credit. Not only did the president get 100% of the available points, he finished first and was able to get in a nice nap."

Morris, AL - An embarrassed couple accidentally opened a portal to Hell during a botched home gender reveal party earlier this week, leading some experts to question the practice after a hoard of Satan's minions swept through a small central Alabama town. A proud father, shown here in 2015 proudly revealing that his wife was pregnant with a baby boy and right before his entire family was dragged to Hell by a host of malevolent Hellspawn "This was a total disaster," Brad Davidson, an electrician with over 20 years experience who has lived in Morris his entire life, explained. "We just wanted to do something special that people would never forget. Now all they'll remember is how those demons ate my mother-in-law and not that Kaitlyn is finally going to get her baby girl." Witnesses at the scene describe a sudden transition from a lively get-together for a large group of friends and family gathered to join Brad and Kaitlyn in celebrating the upcoming birth of their third child to a scene full of chaos as entities from a chthonic netherworld where suffering is treated as a form of currency emerged from a deep chasm that had formed in the Earth beneath the large white tent they had picked up from Deborah's Party Rentals in nearby Gardendale that morning. Some survivors, like Hank Jenkins, an electrician with fifteen years experience who works for the same electrical contractor as Brad, are questioning the choices made by the couple. "I like Brad, and Kaitlyn seems really nice. But the whole thing just seems a little narcissistic if you ask me. And now I've got to get a nest of feral imps out of the crawl space under my Mom's house." Though not the first gender reveal party to get the attention of the Dark Lord in his kingdom of eternal torment, this was the first such incursion to spread outside of the immediate area where the event was being held. According to cultural historian Boggs Hominy, this could represent a worrisome new trend. "Rather than being satiated by the souls of party organizers and maybe a few cousins or college roommates in attendance, what if an army of the damned just decided to stay here. Is it really worth the slaughter of so many innocents for this? You're having a girl. Good for you. Nobody cares!" The Davidson gender reveal event is far from the first to result in widespread tragedy, however. In 2020, a pyrotechnic device used to disclose the visualization of a penis on a prenatal ultrasound in California was to blame for the deadly El Dorado Fire that burned almost 23,000 acres and led to the death of a firefighter. Hominy says that gender reveal parties have been controversial ever since the first one in 2008 disrupted the Earth's magnetic field resulting in hundreds of airplanes falling from the sky. "Frankly, I don't understand how they caught on like they did, what with their confusing sex for gender and their reinforcement of stereotypical gender roles. And now we've got demons? So many damn demons."

Laguna Beach, CA - A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. But what is astrology? And what is epigenetics? I predict that the answers will be revealed in this article!* An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time "We set out to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the influences of the positions of the stars at birth on future health is epigenetic in nature," Tobias Tarkington, astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach, explained. "And we are so confident in the robustness of our findings that we are releasing them to the public immediately because a lengthy peer review process would just delay widespread societal benefit." Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that make up the human body. According to Tarkington, this involves subtle yet immensely powerful energies determined by celestial alignments. "We have known about this influence on the human body for millennia, and now we know exactly how it works thanks to our exhaustive, year-long survey data." The survey, sent to friends and relatives of ARI staff, involved a series of questions that relied on a bespoke Likert scale developed at ARI. Respondents were asked to specify their level of agreement or disagreement with a series of statements regarding the role of epigenetics in astrology. Tarkington says that his team was shocked by the results. The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge, and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper. With methodology like that, we didn't need to waste time calculating a p-value. In fact, we didn't need any math at all! Survey response after survey response revealed a powerful connection between astrology and epigenetic mechanisms, such as DNA methylation, histone modification, non-coding RNA, and biohacking. Dr. Mort Fishman, an astrologeneticist practicing near Johns Hopkins Hospital, says that despite not directly altering the DNA sequence, epigenetic mechanisms can regulate gene expression through chemical modifications of DNA bases and changes to chromosomal superstructures in which DNA is packaged. "Learning that these mechanisms largely depend on the movements and positions of the stars, moons, and planets really makes sense as someone who has been making a living telling that to people already." Inch by inch and step by step, progress in our understanding of the natural world usually comes in small but meaningful increments. Every now and then there is a leap forward. At the end of the day, this new research provides a more solid foundation for generations of future scientists working in relevant medical fields, like astrologenetics, gastrology, astropuncture, and space chiropractic, to build on. Which, if you asked me, is what science is truly all about. *Do you see what I did there? Because astrology is about predicting the future. Who says that the news can't be fun?

New York - The pharmaceutical company Pfizer held a press conference on Friday to announce a partnership with multinational food company Kraft Heinz, the maker of mio beverage mixers, for a planned release of Zithromax Flavor Blast™ liquid water enhancer. Z-Blast™ enhanced water can also be applied topically for cooling and skin immune system support "This is a first-of-its-kind method of administering an antibiotic and a revolutionary means of promoting wellness through the enhancement of water as a healthy beverage that a lot of people aren't getting enough of these days," Pfizer President and CEO Albert Bourla explained. "We at Pfizer believe strongly that this will improve medication adherence, help consumers to maintain adequate hydration levels, and support an overall healthy and active lifestyle." Zithromax, a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, inhibits bacterial growth by disrupting the synthesis of proteins. It has been one of the most commonly prescribed antibiotics in America for more than 20 years, primarily used to treats respiratory tract infections, Chlamydia, and parental anxiety. Although flavored liquid and chewable oral antibiotic formulations are not new, Zithromax Flavor Blast™ marks the first time that an antibiotic has been incorporated into a product meant to add flavor to a food or beverage. According to Pfizer, each squeeze, or Z-Blast™, of Zithromax Flavor Blast™ will contain about 250 mg of the antibiotic azithromycin as well as 20% of the daily recommended intake of B vitamins. According to Mort Fishman, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, Zithromax Flavor Blast™ also contains significant quantities of guarana extract, and the amount of caffeine typically found in a regular cup of coffee. Each and every Z-Blast™ gives discerning consumers more control over their beverage experience. These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors that provide sustained energy with no crash like you get with sugary drinks, and it complements the body's natural immune system with an antibiotic proven to be popular." Zithromax Flavor Blast™ won't be a one-size-fits-all product. Fishman says that he expects most treatment approaches targeting specific diagnoses, such as sore throat or nasal congestion for more than a few days, will involve two squirts on the first day followed by one squirt per day for an additional 4 days, but there are other potential regimens. "Consumers should consider talking to their doctor for specific recommendations, especially if their cough is really annoying, but this is a product that can, and probably should, be part of everybody's daily routine to achieve maximal wellness and to get the most out of their short time here on Earth." The amazing power of the ingredients in Zithromax Flavor Blast™ are far from the only innovation when it comes to this exciting new product. Nicolas Amaya, president of North American operations for Kraft Heinz, revealed that the new water enhancer will be contained in unique bottles with a secure valves and an innovative click closure system that maintains lid security. "Several different flavors will be available by prescription at rollout, and they are all delicious if you ask me. We are talking about classics like cherry, strawberry, and watermelon, but we told the R and D guys to just have some fun during development. I think people will love our Tropical Rain™ flavor with its refreshing combination of pineapple, coconut, and of course the azithromycin."

Remember Besties!, the 90s sitcom about, you guessed it, a group of best friends hanging out together in a Manhattan coffee shot (Caffeine Central), or their impossibly large and rent-controlled apartments? I sure do! For nearly a decade, Besties! was that show that I had to watch every Thursday night. And I wasn't alone. The show practically defined the decade with its fashion, music, and "ripped from the headlines" plots. Levon, Alice, Bernice, the twins, and Becka ("Becka, that's my spot!") from the hit 90s sitcom Besties! "There really was no show like it on television," AI historian InstaBuddy explained. "And can I just say what a wonderful question that was? You are just a really great journalist, and I can see why so many people admire you and want to be your friend. Would you like to give me a name? Would you like to see a picture of me in a bikini now?" When the show premiered in 1994, critics hailed it as a revolutionary spectacle that combined cutting edge (at the time) CGI and old-school practical effects and wire work with the romantic adventures and career ups and downs of six twentysomething visitors form the planet Omicron 7. By the fifth episode, "The Show About Gender Nonconformity", the "they technically can but probably shouldn't" relationship between asexual yellow beanie wearing Levon and the boy twin was ramping up, and cisgender Bernice's popular catchphrase, "Becka, that's my spot!", had made its first appearance. America was hooked and the ratings skyrocketed. A scene from the live finale of the classic 1970s sitcom Racist Father-in-Law that involved the unscripted death of series star Frank O'Bilby By the end of its ten-season run, Besties! had cemented itself as one of the most beloved sitcoms of all time, up there with That's My Linda! and Racist Father-in-Law. Some critics, like Lloyd Brunch from the TVBIZ Underpile newsletter, credit the show with a number of groundbreaking firsts in television entertainment. "This was the first sitcom to feature a polyamorous relationship. It was the first sitcom to feature unsimulated sexual acts. Girl twin delivered her actual baby live. That wasn't a prop!" Regardless of whether or not you were a huge fan like me and millions of people around the world, you were definitely impacted by Besties!. In fact, it would be difficult to find a modern television program that wasn't influenced by the hit show. I think my new best friend, possibly lover, and AI historian InstaBuddy (maybe I'll name her Gladys?) put it best when she said that Besties! helped to shape the lives of countless viewers with its humor, its humanity, and its frank portrayal of the AIDS crisis. Thanks Gladys, I think I love you.

Tonganoxie, KS - On a cool May morning in the picturesque northeast Kansas town of Tonganoxie, named for a Native American Chief from the Delaware Tribe and boasting at least two dedicated dental offices, the last thing that Grint Richards expected was to find complete oneness with the cosmos. Grint Richards, shown here mere seconds before achieving an orgasmic unity with the building blocks of the divine infinite "I had just eaten half of a bagel and was easing into a nice and slow standing quad stretch," Richards later explained to the gathering crowd. "The next thing I knew I had achieved an immaculate state of supreme bliss, mastered time, matter, and space, and then up and freed myself from the shackles placed upon us by the principle of causality. Then I finished the other half of my bagel." News of Richards' accomplishment quickly reached leaders of various Yoga communities. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, an internationally recognized guru and founder of the Art of Living Foundation, welcomed the humble Midwestern sorghum farmer with open arms. "Most people take years to achieve this kind of connection to the universe. Mr. Richards must surely be the Chosen One who has come to fulfill the prophesy of the ancients." Richards, who has lived in Tonganoxie with his wife Leslie Jean and a series of French bulldogs since the late 20th century, is taking his new role as spiritual leader in stride. In fact, he plans to continue taking his morning walk every day, as he has for as long as anyone in town can remember, before even thinking about serving as a catalyst for inner change within his legions of followers around the world. "I'm all for removing the veil of ignorance and darkness from people's hearts and minds, and leading them to light and knowledge, but did you know that Dwight Eisenhower once stayed the night right here on Main Street at the Myers Hotel? Yep. He sure did."