White House Unveils Plans for Family-Friendly Airports

Arlington, VA - To kick off a new "family-friendly" travel campaign, the secretaries of both transportation and health and human services held a press conference at Reagan National Airport earlier this week.

Secretary Duffy, shown here discussing the proper way for a woman to insert a tampon while Secretary Kennedy mentally prepares himself for a run through "The Obliterator" obstacle course

"We are investing a billion dollars into airport improvements for families and for people looking for healthier options," Sean Duffy explained. "In the meantime, you can do your part to help us get back to the good old days of travel when clean and respectful people didn't wear pajamas to the airport or share water fountains. Hey, who put this pull-up bar here?"

While Secretary Duffy was addressing the crowd, Secretary Kennedy completed an impressive twenty pull-ups with full range of motion and no kipping. According to Kennedy, failing to engage the core and glutes can result in instability. "You have to set your shoulders correctly at the start without any shrugging. Get a good grip and keep the elbows slightly forward. Improper form can strain your joints and limit effectiveness of the exercise. I will now talk about breastfeeding for some reason."

The "Make Travel Family Friendly Again", or MTFFA, initiative is being developed in response to complaints from travelers left in a box outside of Duffy's office at the United States Department of Transportation headquarters. Potential changes discussed so far have included hiring federal genital monitors to enforce bathroom laws, installing more breastfeeding pods, and putting a salad bar at every gate.

During the press conference, Kennedy, who spends more than half of the year travelling, also expressed a number of concerns regarding unhealthy airport environments:

I am sick and tired of being surrounded by all this junk food. Why isn't raw milk available in vending machines? Why aren't there more airport gyms for people to get their swole on? Or more tiny boxes for women to hide in while feeding their babies God's formula, which is the milk inside a woman's breast. Milk of the breast is far superior to anything produced by corporations.

The conference wrapped up with a full "American Ninja"-style obstacle course, nicknamed "The Obliterator", that was set up between gates D35 and D45 in terminal 2. The course, which was specially designed to test the strength, agility, and balance of the two cabinet members by blending parkour, gymnastics, and rock climbing, featured a traditional warped wall, cliffhanger, and several spinning wheels. In addition to the more familiar elements, the course also incorporated a bridge of blades, Devil steps, monkey pegs, a corkscrew, and an ultimate cliff hanger. Duffy completed the course in 19 minutes while Kennedy came in at just under 15 minutes. Sadly, Duffy's 13-year-old daughter Paloma died while attempting to traverse the bridge of blades.