Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Cattlemen's Beef Association

Centennial, CO - With Chief Justice John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh joining the three liberals, the Supreme Court has handed down a shocking 5-4 ruling in favor of the National Cattlemen's Beef Association (NCBA) that opens the door for more non-dairy milks to flood the market.

NCBA president Eisele, shown here with his collection of Wellington boots while wearing his signature bowler hat

"This isn't just a win for beef," NCBA president Mark Eisele explained. "This is a win for chicken farmers, oyster harvesters, and just about anyone producing pretty much anything that can be blended into a consumable liquid product. Blimey, you could probably sell Play-Doh milk now. Oh, sorry. I mean...yee-haw? Is that right?"

The NCBA is an American trade association and lobbying group working for American beef producers and has been fighting the FDA to get beef milk on store shelves for over a decade. According to the new ruling, non-dairy and non-plant foods can now be sold in liquid form with the "milk" label as long as the label clearly provides the source and a disclaimer if the nutritional content is significantly different from dairy milk. This paves the way for a variety of non-traditional milks to potentially benefit from the health halo long associated with dairy products.

This glass of chicken milk required half a chicken to produce. But which half?

How do these new products compare to cow's milk? That's a stupid question but we asked food psychiatrist and nutritional anthropologist Kimb Sheen. "You can't go wrong with a tall glass of chicken milk. One cup has as much amalgamated globulant as traditional milk with twice the obamamino acids. And it tastes exactly like what you would expect. Not great."