New Study Finds Babies Resistant to Behavior Manipulation

Philadelphia, PA - A recently concluded study of the effectiveness of common and advanced methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant.

Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself

"We looked at everything," Drexel University psychologist and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. Across the board these babies were not affected, which may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

The study, which included several hundred children and cost nearly $10 million, is unlikely to end debate on the subject of infant behavioral interventions. According to Scott, his findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something truly worthy of academic focus is going on here, the next step will undoubtedly be figuring out exactly how babies are able to remain impervious to so many effective means of behavior manipulation. But, ultimately, we need to know why only babies have this ability and if there is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of all mankind."

An unnamed source in the Pentagon has revealed that military leadership became aware of the study several months ago and are very interested in the results. In a recently leaked message to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth wrote, "So if we are all in agreement on this, we will have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by Christmas." The White House, however, is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.