Washington, D.C. - JD Vance, the regular human Republican candidate for vice-president, has announced that he plans to consider improving the nation's childbirth rates as a top priority should the Trump-Vance ticket win in November.

"One thing that keeps me up at night in the couch, and I think Democrats and Republicans should all be worried, is that we have some real demographic problems in our country," Vance explained while waiting in line to order a normal amount and variety of donuts at the Dunkin' on Massachusetts Avenue. "Real American families, and by that I mean the white ones, just aren't having enough children. I think that some of the horrible things we are doing to these parents is driving down the number of units they are willing to contribute to the domestic supply of infants, like forcing them to put toddlers in a car seat, make their school-aged children wear bike helmets, or store deli meat in the refrigerator instead of on a shelf in the pantry.
Experts are not all in agreement over the cause of the declining birth rates in the United States. Dr. Mort Fishman, MD, a pediatrician practicing human medicine in Forth Worth, believes that the problem is complex and multifactorial. "Look. I support some common sense safety regulations. I mean, who wants their kid to end up with two stubs because the wood chipper they got for Christmas didn't have a warning sticker on it. But is the marginal benefit of a child not being hurled through the front windshield really worth making parents much, much more miserable?"
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