Boulder, CO - In a shocking revelation, the 7-year-old director of last year's celebrated documentary, Babies: Nature's Mystery Solved, has admitted to fabricating much of the evidence used in support of the film's primary claim.
"I made it up," Helmut Clump explained in an interview held during recess near the four square court earlier this week. "I made it all up, and I'm sorry. I don't know where babies come from. Nobody does."
The film examines the many theories developed over the past few thousand years to explain the sudden appearance of infant humans, from spontaneous human materialization to the efforts of a worldwide conspiracy involving large birds. According to Clump, his work presents stories from the perspectives of older brothers and sisters who have been directly affected by a new arrival, as well as input from a variety of scientific experts. "It wasn't all scripted! Those kids were real and that was raw emotion. But the experts, the scientists, those were either paid actors or the interviews were edited beyond recognition."
The question of where babies come from has a long and complicated history. During the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, when many businesses were shut down, there was a significant decrease in the number of new babies across the United States. Though Clump relied on phony expert testimony and falsified data in his documentary, he believes that this decrease was not a coincidence and stands by the ultimate conclusion of his film that babies originate outside the home, perhaps in some kind of science lab or production facility.
"Where did all the babies go," he wondered. "Maybe those facilities were shut down too. I know I'm on to something, something big, and I wanted people to listen. But I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me. I should have been more comfortable with the uncertainty in all of this."
When I was around 12, my parents told me where they thought babies come from. I understood the birth part. But the stuff before that? Gross. I haven't had an erection since.