FDA Issues Warning About Food Products Possibly Contaminated with Evil
Washington, D.C. - The FDA issued a warning today over certain food products sold in the United States potentially being contaminated with evil, some of which may be pure and fully concentrated.
"We can't say for certain which products may have been contaminated," acting FDA Commissioner Kyle Diamantas explained. "The office that handled this kind of thing was shut down last year. But what I can tell you is that, potentially, there could be some kind of food sold somewhere, or in multiple regions around the country, that were made with some amount of evil, and that consumers should be on lookout for any potential side effects of eating, or maybe even just touching, that food."
Though uncertain, the FDA believes that debris containing varying purity and concentration of evil had perhaps contaminated a number of potential food products during the natural harvesting process, or maybe even during processing in a factory, packaging, or transportation to grocery stores and restaurants. According to Diamantas, no injuries or transformations have been reported so far. "The presence of evil, particularly in its pure and most concentrated form, in the food supply poses a serious risk of amplifying negative emotions, being turned into a hermit crab, or simply exploding."
Consumers who discover any affected food are advised not to eat or even touch it and to discard it safely or return it to the point of purchase. The FDA assured the public that the underlying processing issue, whatever it ends up being, will be isolated and resolved at some point in the future, ensuring that newly shipped food inventory will at some point be completely safe to buy and, if everything goes well, even eat. Full refunds, replacement coupons, and a little something extra for adult American citizens' troubles will be mailed after the midterms if the correct candidates win their elections.
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