"We Just Can't Win!": Sorghum Places Last in Cereal Crop Popularity Among Generation Alpha Tweens

Omaha, NE - Despite maintaining its position as the world's 5th most important cereal Crop after rice, wheat, maize, and barley, with almost 60 million metric tons of global production each year, sorghum has once again ranked dead last in popularity among American kids aged 10 to 12 years according to a recent poll.

A non-threatening group of multi-ethnic American children between the ages of 9 and 13 years, shown here eating food in bowls, probably free-range organic sprouted tapioca or some shit 

"We just can't win with these kids," United Sorghum Checkoff Program (USCP) CEO Tim Lust explained. "It's like they don't even care that 3.5 ounces of quality American sorghum grain contains more than 20% of the recommended daily intake of several B vitamins and dietary minerals, or that it is a delicious gluten-free option for couscous, porridge, flatbreads, tortillas, even popcorn and birthday cake. Fucking birthday cake!"

The American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI), a survey that assesses attitudes toward various grains, as well as frequency of use, is sent to all American households through the United States Postal Serviced every five years. Thousands of house-to-house survey workers are also used to help increase the number of completed responses. This marks the fourth time in a row that sorghum has come in last in popularity in this demographic.

Since it's inception in 2008, the USCP has worked to help U.S. sorghum farmers communicate with consumers about the value of sorghum as a healthy and versatile grain. They have invested millions of dollars into improving the grain's image, focusing on impressing younger generations in order to establish lifelong loyalty to sorghum and sorghum-based products. This has included celebrity endorsements from Hollywood A-listers like Anne Hathaway and Adrien Brody as well as attempts at guerrilla marketing, even staging the leak of a phony sex tape involving Idris Elba and a bowl of sorghum porridge.

Stunts like the phony sex tape, or the time they mailed unlabeled bags of sorghum flour to government offices across the country, have left many analysts confused as to how this would improve popularity among children. Some experts, like public relations consultant Alyson Ambergris, believe that "Big Sorghum" needs to reconsider its marketing approach. "They just keep digging a deeper hole when it comes to public sentiment. Sorghum is never going to catch up to buckwheat. It's never going to catch up to millet, spelt, or even quinoa, which is technically a seed. They can't even compete with a fucking seed at this point!"

Earth-Subprime's Senator Marmot Ozymandius, shown here in 2028 proposing legislation that would make sorghum the official grain of the United Confederacy of Boebert 

Ambergris recommends focusing on an even younger demographic because tweens these days are cynical bastards who don't care that sorghum is an important component of animal feeds or in ethanol production. She adds that these little shits don't give two craps that sorghum is a water-smart, climate-resilient crop that conserves precious natural resources and is well-adapted to heat and drought. "You get Ms. Rachel to sing a song about sorghum pancakes to some dumbass toddlers and you'll get a generation of sorghum fans that will never settle for anything else."