Mar-a-Lago - Election day is here, and as votes for the next president of the United States are being cast and counted some experts are weighing in on Donald Trump's next move should he win or lose.
"I think we all know what happens if Trump wins the election," Paula White, president of Paula White Ministries and Trump's spiritual advisor, explained. "God's chosen will lead us to glory after just a bit of societal upheaval from a brief economic collapse. And if he loses, then I have some serious thinking to do. I would be forced to question every..no, I'm just playin'. Only way he loses is if they cheated, because even God has no power over election fraud."
Could Trump be raptured, as some people are claiming, in the event of an election loss? According to one anonymous campaign insider, there is a decent chance that he could be suddenly called up to Heaven. "So many people mention the Rapture. That beautiful but simple word -- Rapture. 'Sir, the Rapture.' You don't think of it that way but that's what they mention more than anything -- 'the Rapture.' And people are saying that I've done, I mean that Trump, who is me, has done more for God than any other president. And Trump is definitely going to rise up into the sky if it isn't looking good, maybe from God or in an airplane, and disappear somewhere. And it could be Heaven or a kind of Heaven, like Venezuela."
Take it from me, with inside knowledge: it'll be a reverse rapture, where Trump's clothes and all his material goods will be raised to heaven and placed in its galactic thrift shop. Trump will remain, naked, penniless, unhoused. Selling fading gold shoes and printouts of useless NFTs.