President Trump Moves Forward with National Zoo Takeover

Washington, D.C. - Despite recent legal setbacks regarding his attempt to take control of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, President Trump is moving forward with plans to play a larger role in the management of the Smithsonian National Zoo.

President Trump, shown here yelling at reporters during a recent press conference, continues to deny reports that he was secretly replaced by a proboscis monkey due to dementia concerns

"This is simply another attempt to put his personal stamp on the nation's capital," National Zoo director Brandie Smith explained. "Changing the name to the Trump National Zoo is bad enough, but what he wants us to do with some of our animals is just wrong. It's RFK Jr. level stuff."

Trump, a businessman with decades of experience putting his name on things, like buildings, airplanes, steaks, and bankruptcy filings, is making his takeover of the National Zoo a top priority. According to Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Trump will sign an executive order this week stating that all of the animals in the zoo's two facilities will serve at the pleasure of the President. "The lions, the orangutans, the meerkats, and whatever Pumba was. They work for him now. All of them."

After several assassination attempts since Trump's inauguration last year, the White House is promoting his plans to assume control of the National Zoo as an urgent security concern. Wiles says that protecting the President, as well as key members of his administration, is extremely important, but adds that it isn't the only objective. "Yes, lions will be patrolling the White House Grounds. Yes, the bunker being built underneath the ballroom will have a tank full of those dolphins that can detect underwater mines. But he is definitely going to be riding a lot of the animals too. Because, at the end of the day, the President is a kid at heart and has absolutely not been replaced by a monkey."