New York Panics as Other Cities Move Closer to Developing Bagels

New York - Described by many as a nightmare scenario for the 8.5 million New York citizens, several other major U.S. cities have overcome key technological hurdles in bagel production and may soon be able to produce their own version of the popular yeasted wheat bread rolls.

A bagel scientist in Pittsburgh, shown here proudly attempting to make a bagel by using boiling milk to gelatinize the dough prior to baking

"I certainly didn't expect to see this in my lifetime," bagel historian Harvey Bellwether explained. "It would be a huge blow to the local economy in New York, which up until now has relied heavily on bagel exports and bagel tourism. Things could get real ugly around here. People are going to panic."

Initially only available in very small numbers when found naturally formed by the elements, in particular wind, rain, salt, and wild wheats, New York developed the ability to mass produce high quality bagels in the early 20th century and has managed to keep the technology under wraps for decades. According to Bellwether, who recently tried a prototype bagel in Chicago, a slow but steady leak of the process has resulted in the current crisis. "They are real close in Chicago. A lot closer than New York is to making a deep dish pizza. They don't have the right pans and they still can't figure out how to get the cheese under the sauce. But the Chicago bagel is now mostly round and a lot less mushy. It could probably support a thin layer of schmear and maybe even a bit of lox."