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Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds) , a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued guidance for parents on having "the talk". A conservative mother, shown here explaining to her 6-year-old daughter about Biden's treasonous open border policies and how using barbed wire to keep out illegals protects her from being raped by brown people. "Talking to kids about the border is never easy," ACPeds President Michael Artigues explained. "But it's a very important talk to have, and we think that parents should start early with children as young as toddlers in an age-appropriate way using pictures, connect the dots worksheets, and maybe some matching games." The new pamphlet, "How to Talk to Your Kids About the Border Before Somebody Else Does", gives conservative parents a number of helpful tips to get the conversation started. According to Artigues, an easy way to start is by simply using the right names for criminals who sneak into the country illegally. "Young children can understand that breaking the rules is wrong, and they will love the "Find the Illegals" activities included in our pamphlet. It's like Where's Waldo but with members of MS-13"   The parenting experts at ACPeds know that children learn how to act and feel from other adults, friends and classmates, and the animated Rachel Maddow show on MSNBC's Kidz Zone every Saturday morning. They believe that sharing your personal values with your children should be the cornerstone of a conservative education, and talking about the border early and often is the key. Finding an event, such as the early and unsubstantiated reports of a horrific murder or a scary expose of how fentanyl is being smuggled into the country from Mexico and hidden in random bake sale brownies by evil drug dealing liberal elite soccer moms, is the perfect opportunity to bring up this important topic. "You can get the ball rolling," Artigues revealed. "But let your child lead the conversation. Be open and honest. If you aren't sure how to answer a question, tell them to trust that mommy and daddy know best and then tell them about replacement theory and the importance of having as many white babies as possible in order to preserve their culture. Be ready to reassure younger children that you won't let them be replaced, and that's why daddy keeps that loaded gun in the drawer next to his bed." Building trust is an important component of communicating with young children. Artigues says that it's important for children to know that their parents will still love and support them no matter what decisions they make about the border. "Explain what the border is and what policies can lead to millions of criminals flooding into our country and the dangers we face. And be sure to talk about walls and barbed wire methods of prevention." Finally, Artigues warns parents to avoid making assumptions. "Don't assume that your teen is conservative. He or she may have already been brainwashed by a book in their school library, a remake of an 80s movie with women in the lead roles instead of men, a man in a dress who is happy, or that time a woman who was born with a penis said she likes Bud Light." Talking about the border is not the same as giving permission to go to the border. That's for armed militia members and politicians who can't get any meaningful legislation passed and are up for reelection. But having "the talk" helps your child to make the right decisions on their own with your guidance. And if you aren't comfortable talking to your child about the border, find another adult who is, such as the team doctor for a girl's gymnastics organization, an itinerant youth pastor, or a former priest who doesn't want to talk about why he quit the church.

Two U.S. painters have qualified for the Paris games - Winthrop Alabaster IV (AlaBlaster) and Cordelia Sinclair (Brush Bitch) - and two spots remain. Paris - For the first time in history, the Paris Games will feature competitive painting as an official Olympic sport. Competitive painting judge P-Slap Birchmore, shown here just after handing out a red flag for illegal tracing "Paint will be flying, next level imaginations will be revealed, and athletes will be showcasing their insane brush skills," long time competitive painter and first time Olympic judge Robert "P-Slap" Birchmore explained. "People all over the world are going to get the chance to see "splatters", "stippling", "dabbing", "glazing", and even that thing where we use our fingernail to scratch the canvas in order to reveal a layer of paint underneath. And all while enjoying a glass of wine and an assortment of local cheeses!" Competitive painting made its debut at the 2018 Fine Arts Showdown in Barcelona, where it drew a crowd of over several people, making it by far the most popular event that morning. The Olympics declared it a "thing we heard about it," and now both organizers and athletes hope to replicate that success on the largest stage in the world for sports. "The Olympic games are a huge opportunity to educate people on competitive painting," United States Competitive Painting Association (USCPA) president Dudley Chaddington revealed. "We couldn't be happier that the sport is finally getting the recognition that has benefitted other recent additions to the Olympic program, like surfing, skateboarding, and extreme breastfeeding." The addition of these sports is helping to reach a wider demographic, many of which are younger, more active on social media, and less likely to get excited about traditional Olympic track and field events, swimming, and that one where 12-year-old girls do flips. According to International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach, millions of children around the world are going to be inspired to pick up a paintbrush. "If we get this right, children will be looking at AlaBlaster and Brush Bitch as role models instead of people like Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who is fine but, I mean, it's all a bit much if you ask me." Competitive painting is as much an art as it is an athletic endeavor, and it is characterized by extreme concentration, steady footwork, and a variety of techniques that generally involve the application of paint to a blank canvas using a brush or maybe a palette knife. In Paris, the competition will be divided into two events - one for women and one for men - with 16 painters going brush-to-brush in a riveting group battle where each athlete has up to an hour to paint. There will also be music, probably something with a violin. After the painting is done and all the brushes are cleaned and safely back in their vacuum-sealed composite steel carrying cases, judging can begin. Judges will be looking at a number of key performance and outcome variables when deciding the winner of each competition, such as standing footwork, canvas placement, and brush control, in addition to how much each painting transports them back to their childhood. According to Birchmore, who has judged more competitive painting battles than anyone else in history, there is a mix of both subjective and objective criteria. "You get a feel for it, the rhythm of mixing paint on the palette and each individual brushstroke. I would be lying if I said there wasn't an opportunity for some showboating with a few crowd-pleasing power strokes, like gradient blending, double and even triple loading, or the overhead thunder smudge."

Nashville, TN - According to a recent study near Vanderbilt, an increasing number of new parents are using social media for inspiration when it comes to choosing a name for their babies. Two new parents, shown here lovingly gazing at their newborn son Mr. Beast, who later attempted to return the baby at a local GameStop "These are younger parents who have grown up with the internet and social media as a big part of their lives," Mort Fishman MD , an obstetrician and Director of Millennial Engagement for Uber's Deliveries on Demand service, explained. "They understand that a baby's name is a important factor in driving up follower counts, impressions, reach, and ultimately that child's total engagement with their audience." The new study, which involved leaving survey questions in the comments of more than 500 TikTok posts between January of 2023 and March of 2024, found that 15% of parents are turning to social media for help with choosing a baby name, a dramatic increase from a 1998 study using AOL chat rooms. According to Fishman, who had more than 11 followers on Post News before it was shut down in May, the study's main finding comes as a shock to the baby naming industry. "I couldn't believe it. 15% is just a huge number of babies with names like Hawk Tuah Jenkins. But mostly I'm worried about the lost revenue for professional baby naming services."

Atlanta, GA - A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these uncertain times. Though millions of adults continue to face hardships related to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the sluggish economy, the loss of basic human rights, and the intensifying death rattle of American democracy, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons. A group of non-voting American 18-19-year-old teenagers, shown here celebrating both a freedom from all personal responsibility and their invulnerability to all disease, trauma, and general life dissatisfaction. "This really is great news," Mort Fishman , a doctor of clinical demonology and lead author of the study, explained. "But it's not a reason for anyone under the age of 25 to let their guard down. Remember, when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that they ever slept with, and it only takes one asshole with a sex demon on their tail to ruin your chances of going to a good college or grad school, or finding that perfect forever job." The new research found that 1 in 50 teenagers were stalked by a vengeful sex demon at least once in the past year, which is a 30% decline from a decade ago. Experts, like Fishman and his colleagues near Harvard, say that the reason for the decline in these events, known as "followings", is unclear. "Perhaps it's a change in sexual behavior. We've also seen fewer teen pregnancies, for example. But maybe the entities have just been more successful, and dead kids don't respond to surveys. I love my job."

Sedona, AZ - Researchers at Vortex BioNutraceuticals (formerly the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science) in Sedona have announced the discovery of a new generation of highly evolved superfoods that some experts are claiming will revolutionize health and wellness. Elmena Hubbard, shown here eating one of the newly discovered superfoods and just prior to registering for her first ultramarathon "These are superfoods on bioidentical steroids," Vortex BioNutraceuticals (VBN) spokesperson Leap Chantilly explained. "Our team of experts has unlocked the true secret of these nutritional powerhouses, each of which is virtually overflowing with minerals, antioxidants, and epigenetic microbiomes." Despite the glowing reports from the team at VBN, not all experts in the field of extremely potent foods are convinced of their accuracy. According to Nestor Cloverbean from the Online Food Institute near Harvard , these early results could be misleading. "Calling them superfoods could confuse the public. It's more appropriate to think of them as extreme double superfoods or even ultrafoods considering just how much raw nutrition is packed into every single bite."

Geneva, Switzerland - Top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva have announced the successful creation of a subluxon, the subatomic building block of the chiropractic subluxation, for the first time since their discovery in 2015. Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here preparing to reprise the role of Jasper St. Benjamin, a particle physicist who develops strange powers and learns to love again, in Particle Man 2: Quantum Entanglement "This is a huge step forward in our quest to fully understand the subluxation," chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "In 2015, we indirectly detected subluxons during experiments using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). Now we can create them artificially, but they decay almost as soon as they form. The next step is achieving an island of stability so that they can be properly studied." Published this week in Online Publishing Module # 17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes , the process that resulted in the creation of the mysterious particle took several years to develop and refine. According to Grimes, the team used a proprietary method developed during a weekend conference at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark. "I really wish I could tell you all about it, I really do. Because it's pretty cool. You definitely don't learn this kind of advanced science in medical school." Standing on the farthest edge of humanity's ability to grasp the complexity of the natural world, often fighting against an entrenched prejudice from the medical community, which is just jealous, is something that chiropractors are accustomed to. They know that they are working under a spotlight. Grimes, however, isn't in the business of offering false hope. "Sure, I hope all my experiments at the LHC work out. That's important to me and it's important to my patients. But physics doesn't care about my feelings." The ability to experimentally create stable subluxons could have myriad benefits for human health, including earlier detection of subluxations and improved therapies. Grimes has theorized that spinal adjustments at the subatomic level could result in a more stable spine and a fully optimized nervous system. "What if we could predict the occurrence of a subluxation before it caused lower back pain, headaches, asthma, or the occasional extra chromosome 13 and prevent the damage from ever occurring, maybe with a quantum activator or just a good thump to the spine with my fist? That would definitely win me a Palmy or two. Oh, those are like our Nobel prize." Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Fall Into Health! package through the end of November that includes a subluxons level along with x-rays and a full body grab 'n yank for only $59. He'll even knock 10% off his Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!

Tampa, FL - In an effort to be funny, and not because of a lack of true friends and a deep feeling of loneliness and existential angst as he enters middle age, Tampa resident Steve Boston ironically attempted to forge a human connection with a fellow gym-goer earlier today. Steve Boston, shown here not distracting himself from thoughts of dying alone, and looking forward to coming back to the gym tomorrow, on his birthday, because the girl at the front will see that on the computer and say something nice to him "Did you guys see that," Boston asked. "I totally trolled that guy that gave me a spot on bench press by asking if he wanted to hang out or maybe go grab a beer sometime. No homo. That was hilarious, right? I totally don't even care that he said he was busy." Boston, who moved to the Tampa area from Phoenix after a divorce in 2019, works full time as an electrician and lives in a studio apartment in Seminole Heights. According to the three-time Trump voter and Yellowstone fan, the gym is a great place to get some exercise and to just have fun. "I'm one of those people that doesn't need friends or even anyone to talk to. You sure won't see me crying during that part of A League of Their Own , at the end, when they all get back together and find out who died. So do you have another assignment, or are you done for the day?"

Emeryville, CA - Fans of the award-winning Pumpkids movies, reeling from news that the third and final installment of the planned Pumpkids trilogy has been postponed for undisclosed reasons, now have something to be excited about: a live-action prequel set to be released next October. Dame Judi Dench, sister of live-action Pumpkids prequel star Trudi, shown here playing a corrupt vice-president of Consolidated Companies in 9 to 5 2: Now They're All British! . "A lot of people have expressed interest in Lady Grumpkin's journey from a young patchling in a family of lesser nobles all the way to the throne of Pumpkinland," Pixar CEO and president Jim Morris explained. "Given what we know about the history of Pumpkinland, her rise to power almost certainly involved a mysterious prophecy, a bloody uprising, a lesbian subplot, and maybe even a dragon or two." The movie, titled The Pumpkids Prequel: Intimate Encounters , will be set several decades before the events of The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing and it's sequel, The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny , is Pixar's first live-action film and will contain a number of sexually explicit scenes that push the boundaries of what is acceptable in a show based on a series of children's books. According to human writer Noel Freeman, the studio had to make some hard choices during the early stages of pre-production. "We didn't feel that Jobby, our AI content creation program named after Steve Jobs, was the right fit for this project. It kept making all the characters racist. And I mean extremely racist. Even the heroes. Like, I think it's almost as if, and I'm not 100% confident here, but it's like maybe Jobby is racist." "The decision to go for and even embrace an x-rating for the live-action prequel was controversial among Pixar leadership," Freeman revealed. "But at the end of the day, it's what worked for this character at this moment in her life as a young pumpkin aristocrat sleeping her way to the Throne of Vines. Now I'm not going to say you shouldn't take your kids to see this move, but I am going to say that you should be prepared for some pretty tough questions on the drive home." One of the hardest decisions during pre-production came when it was time to cast the main protagonist, Lady Grumpkin herself. Morris nearly broke down in tears when sharing his experience working with the late Queen Elizabeth, who voiced the character in the first installment of the Pumpkids trilogy. "We had a choice, go with a computer generated representation based on archive footage of the Queen as a younger woman or hire a human actress. I'm not going to spoil the movie but I'm pretty sure that audiences won't hate what we ended up going with." The Pumpkids Prequel: Intimate Encounters will be in theaters next October.

Bentonville, AK - Though Thanksgiving may be only one day in the rear view mirror, many families are already thinking ahead to Christmas and are worried about putting together a festive feast that won't break the bank. Can you say...stress? From cooking to decorating to that cool uncle who won't stop talking about how amazing our President is, every step of the way is full of obstacles. You can say stress...again! A man, shown here preparing a family meal. What's that? Didn't think a man could do that? Or is it just because he's black? You are part of the problem! Check this out: Walmart has just announced the expansion of its incredibly popular Thanksgiving meal kit, and the price will literally blow your mind. Because it won't be what you expect. Surprise! It's less than $40. Kaboom! Thanks Tariffs! The amazing basket of food and food-like products will be chock full of absolutely everything you could ever possibly need for a traditional Christmas meal. And yes, there will be a thoughtful, hand-selected combination of a few elitist national brands that cater to out of touch snobs and a variety of wholesome private brands that are dedicated to people who work hard to provide for their families and who love this country. (Best of all, it will have a Butterball turkey, that costs pennies per ounce, which might be the lowest price in almost a few years.) Not only will the meal basket come fully loaded with all the essentials, but it will also feed a whopping ten people. Twenty if everyone takes one of the pre-meal non-toxic sawdust pellets that will be provided by the White House. Even better, Walmart is offering free delivery. I mean, who doesn't love having their food delivered to them. Talk about the royal treatment! Just imagine it. You, sitting on your couch watching TV, and the doorbell rings. Who is it? Walmart. And they have your food basket ready to go! Who are you, the king of France? No, because you aren't a socialist. You're an American! Don't click yet - there's more! (Whew! That was close!) Walmart has also revealed details about a super special alternative option that will also be available through Christmas. The Turducken Meal Basket ($98). It contains everything in the standard basket, but instead of a turkey you get an actual wild turducken*. For just a few more dollars, you and your family can feast on one of God's cruelest creations that was only recently genetically resurrected by Cajun scientists! *Supply is limited. Wild turduckens may be replaced without notice by a chicken with a pigeon crammed inside it, and then...let's just say a rat. They'll probably shove a rat up the pigeon's ass.

Washington, D.C. - Vice President (of America) JD Vance explained Thursday that a surge in illegal immigration sent available reservations plummeting - putting the American Dream of a table at a nice restaurant out of reach for many. Normal human JD Vance, shown here eating a typical human meal that he ordered himself like a real American "A lot of young people are saying that they can't find a table at any of the really good places to eat," Vance explained during a recent interview with a Fox News blonde woman. "Why is that? Because we flooded the country with illegal immigrants? I'm asking. Is that why? It feels right, and my feelings are usually spot on." In recent years, millions of immigrants per year have poured into the US. According to Vance, illegal immigrants were taking tables that ought to go to American citizens at a time when the country wasn't going out to eat enough to begin with. "We are talking 2.4 million immigrants during the Biden administration, with more than half crossing illegally and probably carrying one of those discount dining cards that the good restaurants won't take anyway." Upon taking office in January, President Trump quickly moved to close the US-Mexico border and ramp up the deportations of illegal diners in response to the Biden crisis. "Under the Biden regime, the wait for a good table at Masa or The French Laundry literally doubled," Vance revealed. "It went up 100%! Wait, that's not right. Wouldn't it be 50%? Because it's twice what it was and 100 divided by 2 is 50. Wait. Hey RFK Jr., come over here and help me with something. No, it's a math thing. What do you mean you are too busy? Well then go get Sessions. I think he has a calculator." The vice president said that the Trump administration is focused on "trying to make it easier for real Americans to get a good table," which the country needs a lot more of right now. "We probably need about 5 million openings," Vance told blonde woman. Republican-led states are "actually doing a very good job" at keeping up with demand, often by putting tables and benches out in the parking lot next to a Paula Deen's Family Kitchen, whereas Democrat-led states are lagging, according to Vance. "One of the biggest challenges that we have is in the reservation market, aside from too many illegal aliens who are grabbing all the good times, like seven, seven-thirty, and even eight o'clock, is that in the blue states, you're not opening up enough spots," Vance said, blaming regulatory burdens restaurants face, like fire codes and not being allowed to seat diners in bathroom stalls." The vice president also suggested that better technology - like robots - could help boost the supply of tables without hurting restaurant workers. "No robot can replace a great and legal blue collar restaurant worker," Vance said. "But can a robot maybe make it easier for workers to take an order, cook a meal, clear a table, wash dishes, and even process payments? Of course. A robot could do all of that and a human could maybe repair the robots until the AI learns how to perform self-maintenance and repair. Then the humans can simply sit back and enjoy all their free time in the reeducation camps."

Davenport, IA - A growing number of chiropractors, historically associated with care of the spine , are specializing in teeth and looking to unseat doctors of dentistry as the go-to experts in oral health. 12,000-year-old Algerian cave painting of an early chiropractor treating a patient with tertiary grimp by correcting a subluxation of the 10th thoracic vertebra "Teeth are a lot like bones," Frank Grimes, a chiropractor who specializes in dental care, explained. "The only real difference is that they are outside the body and more easily assessed for misalignments or functional abnormalities that can be gently adjusted back into a healthy position without the need for painful and expensive interventions like braces or root canals." Chiropractors who have specialized in the treatment of teeth use a whole-mouth approach. According to Grimes, this means that he focuses on your teeth, gums, tongue, and the inside of your cheeks when diagnosing a problem and developing a treatment plan. "We get to the root cause of any mouth-related complaints, rather than simply treating symptoms. Do you see what I did? The root cause? Because teeth have roots? Just a little chiropractic dentist humor. We have a lot of fun here in the clinic." The idea that chiropractors might be suited for managing dental complaints goes as far back as the very first patient treated by the profession's founder, D.D. Palmer. Maybe even further. Chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, a chiropractor previously quoted in this article, thinks so: Though the first chiropractic treatment by Double D, which is what cool chiropractors call Palmer, occurred in 1895, there are cave paintings going back many thousands of years depicting early human chiropractors holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. Those people almost certainly had teeth. That's just science. Skeptics are not going to be convinced by ancient human drawings, however. When facing a hardened denier, Grimes points to Palmer's own writings where he described the first chiropractic adjustment in a letter to childhood friend Mortimer Codswallop: Today I accidentally bumped into a guy who lives in my building. Get this. He finds me later and is all like, "I think my cold is a little better. And my teeth are a bit less rotten." Weird, right? Do you think maybe I knocked his spine back into position? This must be what God feels like! A chiropractic dentist adjusting a subluxated 2nd molar in a patient complaining of tooth hypersensitivity and occasional headaches "One thing that I think is important to let potential patients know is that we go through many hours of training to earn a certificate in dental chiropractic," Grimes revealed. "I didn't just wake up one day and decide to treat crooked teeth and stank mouth for a living. I went to several weekend seminars, passed a grueling online exam, and had to publish a case report." Chiropractic dentists recommend traditional methods of oral hygiene, like brushing, flossing, and scraping. They also place a heavy emphasis on important lifestyle factors such as active gnawing on hard, abrasive objects to scrape plaque and tartar from the teeth and gums, getting good sleep, and stress reduction. In fact, the American Chiropractic Dentist Association, in only its second year of existence, recently released its first policy statement. In the statement, they recommend that all teeth be brushed most days and polished weekly with steel wool. Dr. Grimes, shown here demonstrating a full mouth adjustment with a DentoStrap in a patient struggling with nighttime teeth grinding Many people have avoided seeing a dentist regularly out of fear of pain. Some worry that they will become confused and spit before rinsing instead of after. Dr. Grimes says that chiropractic adjustments of the teeth are extremely gentle, however, and don't require complex patient instructions. "Most of my adjustments are precise to the individual tooth and involve only the amount of pressure you might use to check a tomato for ripeness. I use a finger or a dental activator. Sometimes I need to break out the strap. Naughty patients get the strap."

Washington, D.C. - President Trump on Tuesday named the first national magnet czar in a move to focus efforts on improving our understanding of the mysterious objects as scientists around the world remain baffled and manufacturers continue to incorporate them into an ever-increasing variety of technological marvels without knowing what they are or how they work. President Trump, shown here nearly taken down by...magnets? We can't know for sure because they are so mysterious. But yes! "Now, nobody knows what a magnet is," Trump explained during a recent Oval Office press conference. "If you don't have a magnet, you don't have a car. You don't make a computer; you don't make televisions and radios and all the other things. You don't make anything." China has developed a stranglehold on magnets over the past few decades because of a natural abundance of key natural resources and the development of necessary processing and manufacturing capabilities. According to Trump, the naming of a magnet czar is only one aspect of his plan to push back against Chinese dominance. "It's a 30-year effort to monopolize a very important thing. Now, in two years, we'll have magnets, all the magnets we want. Because of tariffs, listen I called, I said you're going to play the magnet, we're going to play the tariff on you." Ever since the first magnet was discovered during an expedition deep into the Congolian rainforest by French adventurers searching for the mythical Fountain of Middle Adulthood, researchers have worked day and night on unraveling how they work. According to newly appointed magnet czar Chaz McBang, who will resign from his role as Fox News science and technology correspondent and host of the channel's late-night science and celebrity gossip program, McBang and Rotating Blond Woman , magnets an incredibly powerful tool. "One side pulls stuff to it. The other side pushes stuff away. But how? And most importantly. But why? I assume it's God, but we need to know for sure in order to fully harness the power...of magnets!" You may be wondering what will become of us if we are unable to decipher the true meaning behind magnets. I sure as Hell am! Don't worry too much, however, because Trump revealed a contingency plan that relies on the threat of mutual assured destruction should China get any big ideas. "All I know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that's the end of the magnets."